Manifestation Through Conceit

I am conceited, and I will get everything I want, and nothing will stop me from getting everything I want. Life is a straight line, stretching from life, death, and everything in the middle. If I want it, then it already exists in my timeline, and it's not "if" I get them, but rather, when. Because I will. I always do. 

I've been having a difficult time lately, and things are not going in my favor, and I think it's time I renew my verbal contract with the universe. The contract is this: if I believe it, therefore, it is. As long as I believe, then I speak of whatever it is, into existence. 

Lately, at work, regardless of how many attempts I make into taking the steps necessary to get where I want, it seems like I keep running to walls and the environment I am in is not aligning with who I am and what my goals are. Honestly, I've been struggling with this, this whole week, and I could not wait until my first off-day to put these thoughts out back to the universe. Maybe there's some fear growing in my soul that's blocking my abundance, and I am here to speak of this out to the universe and remove those blockages. 

I truly believe that whatever it is that I want, I will get. Whether this is confidence or I am conceited, it does not matter. I have enough proof that the universe will give whatever I want as long as I remain clear with my intentions and grateful with my abundance. In this post, I will manifest and speak my intentions, dreams, goals, and everything above, into existence.

I am blessed and everything I want already exists in the same timeline as my current and future self. When it comes to my goals, aspirations, and dreams, it is not a "if," but rather a "when." When I achieved my goals, I will remain grateful. When I become the best version of myself, I will use the abundance given to me to protect myself spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically. 

Nothing stand in my way of achieving everything I desire because I already have everything that I desire. That version of self, that promotion, that friendship, that achievement; I already have everything that I ever wanted, and their arrival in my life is inevitable and unmovable, unchangeable force. They are coming, and there is not a chance in this universe and the next that, once my abundance and time arrived, that I will miss them. They are mine, and when they come, so shall I, and we will meet at the right time. 

Despite the blockages people, situations, and circumstances beyond my control, might put between my dreams, goals, and aspirations, and I, it will not matter. What is mine is mine, and their arrival is predetermined. I will get all of what I desire because it is written, it is decided, and they are spoken into existence. Right now, these goals are on their way, running as fast as they could, to get to where I am. I will invite them in, and they will be exactly what I desired, nothing more, nothing less. 

I got everything I want. I will get everything I want. All that my heart desires are mine. They are coming to me, and when they arrive, I will be exactly where I needed to be to welcome them. I am blessed, I am abundant, I am grateful, I am loved, I am appreciated, and there is no space for hatred, jealousy, envy, or anger in my life, not from my heart, not from the hearts of the people around me. Other people's desires will not intertwine with mine, my abundance will stand on its own, and nothing will stop them. They say, "eyes on the prize," but my abundance's eyes are on me. 

My heart welcomes nothing but the good. My life welcomes nothing but the good. I deserve the good, and the good shall I get. 

I want it, I got it.

Spoiled and loved, 

Indira. 

Grateful for you!

Here's the thing, girls: I am pressured! 195 followers is insane! I honestly can't shut up about my blog to my family, friends, and loved ones, and your presence is a testimony that what I am building and creating is something worthwhile. The reason I am pressured is because with every post or update, somehow, I feel that it needs to be impressive as well. Here's my way of breaking that. I don't have to post an extremely long, thought-provoking blog post, maybe I could just make a simple one, a thank you letter. 

To my luvbug club, 

Thank you so much for taking the time in your busy day to come to my page, see what I've created, poke around, and then letting me know that you liked it. I know that some of you girls (and perhaps, guys) are working full-time jobs, are in school full-time, or just simply really busy, and I cannot even begin how grateful I am that you took a minute or two out of your busy schedule to be here. Thank you for 195 followers. When I was starting this page, I was scared that I wouldn't be able to get one person to follow me, and I would delete it out of embarrassment. Not only did I prove myself wrong, I also learned to confidently take risks in my life by putting myself out there. 

Again, thank you so much, and I wish nothing but happiness, peace, joy, and all of the beautiful things in the world for you and I. 

Love,

Luvbug. 

Manipulating Myself Into Being Happy

There are days where I convince myself I am happy, and it always works. Like, I am full-on delusional. I am convinced that I am so happy, even when things around me aren't going well. Had plans and it rained? I am happy that the trees are eating. Broke my favorite shoes? Finally have a reason for a new one! Bad day at work? I deserve a treat then! What can make me feel sad if I am fully convinced that, no matter what, I am happy? Life really is all rainbows and butterflies!! 

Lately, I've been having good days one after another, I am on a 30-day streak! It's such a huge jump to how I used to be, because honestly, back then, I was really depressed. Nowadays, I'm pretty sure sprinkles and glitter come out of my shoes every time I walk around. I am so happy, and everyday is the perfect day! 

When people say that "it's all a mindset thing," I still don't believe that only because I know how it feels to be so down, you can't think of anything else. But here's the thing, lately, I've been convincing myself that there's a silver-lining in everything. Even if it's something that completely ruined my day, somehow and someway, my mind will find a way to romanticize that and turn it into something positive and happy. I don't even know when I started doing this, but I just did, and it's going great for me lately! 

For example, I currently work 10-hour shifts in a facility for four days in a row. Lately, I've been extremely suffering from pain on my feet due to the metal steel-toe slip covers I was required to wear. The pain would start from the soles of my feet, and I could feel the nerves in my calves up to my thighs throbbing in pain. After my 10-hour shifts, I could barely walk! On top of that, there's not a lot of time I could spend seating in my job. I am constantly in my feet, and I am constantly walking. However, after eight days of excruciating feet pain, my mind managed to spin this whole dilemma into something positive. I mean, yes, my legs are hurting, but everyone is so friendly, sweet, and kind in our facility that I don't mind being in there! It's simply an opportunity for me to get to know everybody and make friends! And yes, sure, my feet is throbbing, but after a full eight hours of sleep, it always heals itself! 

I have developed the tendency to manipulate myself into happiness and joy. In everything that happens to me, even when it is something physically or emotionally painful or something that doesn't matter, I would always find a way to turn it into something positive. And it's doing wonderful things in my life! I honestly have never seen more beautiful days than now. Regardless if someone is mean, condescending, or frustrating to me, yes, I would have a hint of irritation, but ultimately, I move on to happier, more joyful things faster than I've ever been.

If it was the version of me a couple of years ago that doesn't have a lot of patience and happiness, that got her feet throbbing for 10 hours straight, she would've probably quit. However, since I developed this kind of mindset, I acknowledge that even though there are bad things that could potentially be happening around me, I would purposefully put my lenses on things that make me happier, and I intentionally decide to focus on that instead. 

Yes, there are things that could ruin my day, but it could only ruin it if I allow it, and lately, I don't feel like allowing it. I am happy, and regardless of what is going on outside of my body, in which, most of the time, I do not have control over, I will remain happy. It's an untouchable, unmovable force. Also, I do believe in the saying "I think, therefore, I am"

I think I am happy; therefore, I am happy. 

What a life. 

All the love, 

Indira. 

Romantic Things I Want to Experience

 

I was a romantic. Note: Was. At twenty-three years old, I had my fair share of breakups and disappointments. I used to believe on this fairytale-kind of love, the kind where the boy would do everything for me, to win my love. That's not the reality, though. Reality is harsh, love is cut-throat. Love is an industry where only the best and the adored wins. I know that sounds pessimistic and hopeless, but you'd have to understand, this is coming from a girl notoriously known for writing love poems and love letters. There are certain things I've accepted that wasn't real, or at least, wasn't real for me. That fairytale love is one of those things. 

Still, I can't help but to hope for the things I've never experienced. All my experiences were training material to harden the outer layer of my shell. For the past few years, I was just constantly suffering from the lack of reciprocation and consideration. I don't want to tap my own back and feel sorry for myself, I wasn't the perfect partner, I don't think there is such a thing; but what I would say is that I was a trying partner. I was faithful, I was patient, and I was stuck. I guess, for the longest time, I always believed that I had to prove my devotion through my tolerance of the heart breaks, then, and only then, if I prove it enough, I will eventually win their love, and they would love me back. Eventually. If I just go through the pain, and if I sacrifice more of my peace, then surely, they'll see how much I love them, and they'll love me back. 

Though I carry the tiniest hope for better romances, I, honestly, am so sick of love. It's the kind of disgust that makes me look at everybody with some sort of doubt and fear. It's the kind of disgust that makes me want to crawl on my bed, hide under my sheets, and pull my feet under the cover because the Love monster will pull them if I was not cautious enough. I developed some kind of avoidance from all of it, and ever since my most recent breakups, I navigate love in a transactional way. What do I get from this? Is what I'm getting enough? Am I giving too much? 

But, alas, a girl will always be a girl. Girls are hopeful, we are full of love even when, sometimes, it feels like the supply had already run dry. We yearn for things we can feel something from, and even though I developed a fear of love and heartbreaks, there are romantic things that I still hope I get to experience, even at least, just once.

Love Letters. 

I want to, at least once, get a love letter. In this day and age, communicating has never been easier. The "hmu" and booty call culture has been spreading like wildfire. But how romantic would it be for someone to write me a letter?

They would go to the store, spend fifteen minutes searching for the paper that screams my personality, they would look around the aisle and maybe they'd see a stack of paper with ribbons drawn on the edges, tainted the shade of pink I specifically like, and they would say, "Yes, yes, she would like this one."

They would go home, they would sit down, and they would crumple three pieces of paper, throwing them on the floor, just because the letter "I" didn't look pretty enough, because the first letter of my name matters. They all matter. How romantic, how considerate, for someone to be so in love with me that even the letters written on a 5-dollar piece of paper matters, that they would consider the creases every fold would put on the paper before they fold them, that they would slowly put the letter in an envelope so carefully, trying not to create a flaw, because in their heart they believed I deserved more than a creased-up piece of paper. 

I yearn for something more than a simple text or call. I yearn to matter, I want someone to know that I don't want a "wyd?" at three in the morning, I want someone to know I like ribbons on the edges of my papers, that I like pressed yellow Marigolds, put in the envelope with a letter so carefully written, I want for someone to know just exactly who I am, and what my desires are. I yearn to be known. 

To be put first. 

Honestly, nowadays, people are so caught-up with our own desires, perceptions, and self that even when we're in love, we constantly think of only ourselves and what benefits us. Unfortunately, I've fallen victim to this fear and mentality as well. Since my most recent break-up, it has been difficult for me to see past my own needs and fears, because in my past relationships, I've put the other person first so many times that I feel like I lost parts of myself that is willing to sacrifice.

But love is sacrifice. It is putting someone else above your own selfish needs and your past fears. It is looking past everything that had given them scars, and decide that I am worth all of it, and if they have to do it all over again knowing all paths would lead to me, they would. And here's the thing: it is not that I am unwilling to put someone first, I am. For the right one, I am. What I need is to be put first too. In the list of all their dreams, ambitions, people they love, things they cherish, I would, not only make the top five, but I would be included in their first reason why. 

I want to be factored in, in all their dreams, fears, and plans, I yearn to be in it. How romantic it is for someone to have the dream to finish school, and the next sentence would be "because I want to give her a good life." How romantic it is for someone to have the dream to buy a house, and they would ask what color I'd like the windows to be. How romantic it is for someone to fear commitment, but then, they'd laugh with their friends, and say, "but for her, I'd do it." How romantic it is to be considered and involved. 

I want to experience a love so strong that my lover would run after me because letting me go would be hell to earth, that in their millions of reasons why, I would be first on the list, that when they think of a prayer or a dream, my name would be their first thought. I am sick of waiting for someone alone, I am sick of running after someone, I am sick of putting someone first. I want to be, for once, the person someone is running after to. I want to be, for once, someone's first.

Commitment and Future

My grandmother always tell me that when someone knows, they know. At first, I didn't quite understand. As I get older, I started needing more in romantic relationships. I didn't just want to go on coffee dates or walk around the mall, the little movie dates aren't sufficient, I needed more. And that is the knowing my grandmother always told me about. I want someone to look at me and know. 

I need to admit, I am not perfect. I don't think anyone is. Yet, still, I want someone to look at the scrapbook of my imperfections and flaws, and then, in just a split second, decide that I am what they've been looking for, I want them to know. 

How romantic it is for someone to look at all my fears, my flaws, the things I have not unpacked, and the things I have not processed, and decide ultimately, that this is it. I am it. All the ghosts of the past and the wounds that took years to heal all led in this moment, with me. I want someone to see my mosaic heart, and in a split second, without a doubt, without a question that pops in their head for the need to double check, they'd know. 

In Lana Del Rey's Margaret, there was a lyric that especially stuck with me, "If you're asking yourself: how do you know? then that's your answer, the answer is no." 

I don't think I'm a romantic, still. I managed to dismantle the fairytale dreams of love I used to have at seventeen. There was some sort of acceptance that the romantic movies and books I consumed during my teenage years only happens once in a blue moon,  or maybe, never at all, and according to my track record, they surely aren't happening to me. Yet, maybe, it was the same books and the same movies that managed to put a line of hope in my chest, that even though it wasn't a year ago, or not even right now, maybe, it could be soon. A girl can only dream. 

Here's to the love we wish to have, 

Indira. 

Starve The Ego, Feed The Soul

The destruction of Ego, the birth of life. 

If I tell you that the only way to build compassion, love, and happiness is to destroy yourself, would you believe me?

Duh, not literally. We'll destroy who you think you are.

What is ego? In Buddhism, we refer to Ego as your perception of self, that holds on to your self-centeredness. It is what causes you to hang on to your opinions and desires, to put yourself above others, and to believe that your happiness matters more than others'. Self-centeredness is the block that stands between you and compassion, you and happiness, you and love. 

Self-grasping ignorance, however, is the concrete belief that we, as humans, possess the inherent and independent self. You must know the distinction between these two to identify them and ways to demolish both. Both self-centeredness and self-grasping ignorance are the root cause of suffering and pain.

Self-grasping ignorance further stems into two different main parts: 

1. Belief of the Intrinsic existence of life: Believing that we are living a separate lives, distinct from the rest of the world. This causes a belief and opinion of "I," "my," "me," and "mine." This causes attachment to what you perceive belongs to you; thus, creating suffering, 

2. Belief of the Intrinsic existence of phenomena: the belief that situations, things, people, and events exists independently, with their own separate nature. This belief fosters ignorance; thus, repeating the cycle of samsara, the cycle of birth, death, and rebirth due to karma. 

So, with all these knowledge we have about what our ego feeds off of and what blockages we have in our consciousness preventing us to see and live in the world with compassion and love, one must do what needed to be done next: destroying our ignorance and starving our ego. 

In verse 10 of the Three Principles of the Path by Je Tsongkhapa, he said: "Whoever sees that cause and effect can never fail in samsara or beyond and destroys all self-grasping ignorance, has entered the path that pleases the Buddhas." Destroying self-grasping ignorance is the path to awakening profound truths and wisdom.

There is a path we must live by, to destroy self-grasping ignorance. 

1. Shunyata, or the Realization of emptiness. Shunyata is the understanding that everything in the universe, including yourself, lack intrinsic nature. Shunyata translates to emptiness. That means everything, including one self, do not belong to anything independently. Events, people, and things arise dependently and they are interconnected with one another. That means, all phenomenas arise dependently on causes and conditions.

There is a person I call Indira. I am composed of all my memories, all my favorites, all my preferences, my pain, my happiness, everything that makes me, me. If you remove each and every one of them...then who am I? What makes me independently me? If I try to find the one independent, permanent essence that makes Indira, Indira, I cannot find one. If I look for something that only exists independently, with no cause, no root, no connection, there is nothing.

If I can't find one fixed essence of who Indira is, that means who I think I am, is not stressing over, or obsessing over, because who I think I am is not absolute or fixed. Who I am now is not permanent. I am constantly changing in connection to the conditions I create, and the conditions I encounter. Suppose, a person insulted my blog. I could say: "You insulted my creativity, you insulted me." Or, with shunyata in mind, I could say: "You said that because of certain conditions, I feel insulted because of certain conditions, and who I think I am arose because of certain conditions. None of this is permanent."  If I worry about this blog, I'd think, "how can I be a good blogger?" But what is a blogger? All of what composed this blog are here due to conditions I encountered and conditions I created. None of these is permanent. 

Shunyata is hard to master, it's like opening a book and starting in calculus. It's neither nihilism or denial of existence, it simply explains that nothing exists independently and they aren't fixed and permanent. Everything exists dependently and they arise through causes, conditions, relationships, and circumstances. Understanding shunyata is important because self-grasping ignorance lead to many disturbing emotions, like greed, jealousy, anger, and attachment. Once you have a solid belief of you, it is very easy to feel: "I need this" (attachment), "You insulted me" (anger), "I am better than them" (pride), "This is only mine, I have to protect it" (fear). 

1. Pratityasamutpada, or Dependent Arising. Understanding Dependent Arising is the understanding that all things exist in dependence with other factors. This includes self, which is composed with body, mind, and countless cause and conditions. Something exists because other things made its existence possible. Nothing exists on its own, independently.

For example, the person I call Indira, where does Indira come from? My body needs food, water, and shelter. My mind is composed of memories, culture, experiences, preferences, relationships, and so on. Indira only exists because of these conditions and these factors. Indira only exists because these factors made it possible for Indira to exist. Even as a blogger. I am only a blogger because of conditions that made
it possible for me to be a blogger. I created a blog, the blog exists, I learned how to read, write, and use the web, I was inspired by people's creativity, people invented computers, and readers and followers exists to give meaning to the word "blogger." But, suppose, we remove all of these things, and try to find the permanent, independent essence of the label "Blogger," we would not be able to find anything. 

So, shunyata asks, "can I find something that only exists independently from everything else?" and pratityasamutpada answers, "No, everything arise in dependence to one another." 

Dependent Arising: "I depend on others."

Shunyata: "That means, there is not an independent and fixed self"

Self-grasping ignorance insists on the idea of I. It says, "this is ME, this is who Indira is!" Dependent Arising, then, say, "Indira depend on countless things." And shunyata says, "that means "Indira" does not exist independently." That doesn't mean Indira doesn't exist, it just means Indira is existing dependently. Indira do not have a solid, fixed identity. It is all changing, all the time, based on conditions, causes, factors, and experiences. 

3. Bodhicitta, is aspiring to attain enlightenment for the benefit of all beings. It's wanting to transform yourself so you can help others on their path to enlightenment as well. Once we dismantle the belief that we exist as independent beings, we start understanding the interconnections we have with other people. Now, we only do not think about our happiness, we start thinking that other people's suffering matters too. Bodhicitta is asking you to widen your lenses and see the bigger picture.

Suppose, a 17-year old girl come across my blog and was inspired, she, then, asks me, "Indira, how can I do this too?" I could say, "No! This is mine! I worked hard on this!" or I can create a condition where Bodhicitta thrives and say, "She's just a girl that wants to be happy and learn how to express her creativity. Maybe her behavior arose from curiosity and inspiration." That doesn't mean I don't have any boundaries, and people can just come and take everything I've worked on, it only means I don't turn around and purposefully hurt people or turn it into hatred. It is the same thing as if people insulted me. A person can come and say, "This blog sucks!" I could turn this into hatred and anger, or I could widen my lenses and understand, "They are a person who also does not want to be insulted. Maybe this feelings arose from pain and fear." Bodhicitta is simply expanding our understanding of all people around us.

Bodhicitta also expands itself into the aspiration to help. It is going to the path of enlightenment, so that you can go back, and guide people through it too. Instead of saying, "I hope you stop being sad," with Bodhicitta, we would say, "I want to develop enough wisdom and compassion to help you free yourself from sadness." 

Dependent Arising: "I depend on others."

Shunyata: "That means, there is not an independent and fixed self"

Bodhicitta: "Then, I don't want to live this life to benefit only this little "me." I want to benefit others."

How beautiful is that.

4. Application of Ethical Discipline. I don't want you to just follow the rules because I told you so, you need to take what you've learn, apply it in your life by deliberately living in ways that reduce suffering and harm, and cultivate love.

Instead of always thinking "what benefits me, me, what I want," cultivate generosity, compassion, understanding, and love, by always keeping in mind, "my actions have consequences beyond myself."
Ethical Discipline is simply holding ourselves responsible for the way we act, keeping in mind that we are interconnected with everybody and everything around us. We depend on others, the way they depend on us; therefore, we need to live in ways that benefits others, where love, compassion, understanding, patience, and kindness thrives. 

Ethical Discipline also helps us purifies our mind. Suppose, someone says, "this blog suck!!" and I act on the anger I felt and respond with something equally harmful and insulting, I would spend a week being guilty, then, my mind will be agitated. But if I intentionally cultivate love, there would be less internal chaos to work through. I would feel less guilty, less angry, less defensive. 

Dependent Arising: "I depend on others."

Shunyata: "That means, there is not an independent and fixed self"

Bodhicitta: "Then, I don't want to live this life to benefit only this little "me." I want to benefit others."

Ethical Discipline: "Then my actions should reflect that. I should intentionally create causes and conditions to reduce suffering and increase compassion." 

To destroy your ego and rebirth a life of compassion and happiness, we must awaken the profound truth of Shunyata and Pratityasamutpada, Realization of Emptiness, and Dependent Arising, the understanding that our identity lack fixed and independent existence, and the understanding that because we lack independent existence, ultimately, we depend on others. Once we understand this, it will lead to Bodhicitta, the understanding that we must live a life that cultivates compassion and benefits other people. And with that, we have to live a life intentionally aligned to these. We need to create a cause and condition for ourselves and other people that reduces suffering and increase our compassion with one another. 

With all the love, 

Indira.

Ranking Taylor Swift's eras

 

I've been so in love with Taylor Swift since I was like 15, and nothing has changed since then. I honestly just think she has one of the best discography for girls. After listening to every song in her discography, this is my official Taylor Swift ranking:

12. The Life of a Showgirl 

On the bottom, TLOAS, you were good, I'm waiting for you to be great... I enjoyed this album despite all the criticism and the "I cannot defend her anymore" posts. I was a TLOAS defender, through and through. But the album felt rushed to me, it just sounds like certain songs belong to other albums, these songs sound like they were from the vault. Cancelled! sounds like a reputation song. Opalite sounds like a Lover song. So on and on. 

11. Debut

Never speak ill of Debut! That's my girl for real. Should've Said No did NOT come to play. She had a worn-out cowboy boots, a tangled curly hair, and a dream. There's better albums though, for sure. 

10. Speak Now

First of all, fuck you, John Mayer. But seriously, Speak Now has hits after hits after hits, Dear John is by-far one of the top 10 songs she wrote, that pen was on fire when she sat down and wrote that. But I don't have a choice but to put this at 10th place because I like the other albums better. 

9. Fearless

Fearless used to be on my top 5 until recently. I feel so sad that this album is almost at the bottom because I used to be a fearless girly. I love how this album shows the experiences of every teenage girl: heartbreaks, losing friendships, loving your family... it's such a beautiful album, I have no words. I truly do not hate any song in this album. this is literally my baby. But I just HAVE to stick it out, okay. The real heavy hitters are yet to come. 

8. Lover

I love Lover, like yes, you're happy... but are you? You delusional girl! I like the concept of lover because she's so in love and so clueless. If you truly listen to this album, especially songs like The Archer and Afterglow, you can literally tell there are problems in this relationship that she's sweeping under the rug because she's too scared to face them. It was a good album, I loved the songs. Daylight, Paper Rings, and Cornelia Street went triple platinum in my household. 

7. Reputation

Contrary to popular belief, reputation was, in fact, not her revenge era (we'll discuss what her true revenge era was) it was actually her lover era. The Lover album is begging for things to not change, Reputation IS the falling in love. This is when she's falling into the rabbit hole that is Joe (yuck!) Honestly, this album was shocking to me when it was first released. End Game with Future was definitely not the typical cookie-cutter Taylor Swift aesthetic, and I love it! I think in Reputation, she's starting to explore other options and she's spreading her wings. Good for her. 

6. Midnights 

When Midnights released. I didn't initially appreciated it, but I let it marinate in my spotify a little longer and I started appreciating it for what it was: adulthood. This album literally went through the stages of grief, denial (Lavender Haze, Maroon), anger (Vigilante Shit, Anti-Hero, Karma), bargaining (Mastermind, Question...?, Hits Different), depression (Labyrinth, You're On Your Own Kid, Bigger Than The Whole Sky, Dear Reader), then, acceptance (Sweet Nothings, Bejeweled.) Bigger Than The Whole Sky is so sad that when I finally understood it, I was sick to my stomach. "did some force take you because I didn't pray?," who the fuck writes like this nowadays?! Oh my god.. 

5. 1989

Now, let's get to business. Dare I say, 1989 is what TLOAS thought she was... but SHE WILL NEVER BE! 1989 is that girl, okay. She lives in the prime neighborhood in Manhattan, she wears cool clothes, she dates the hot guy in the band, she's friends with supermodels, she is HER. 1989 is the girl we all want to be. She's blonde, she's skinny, she's rich, and she's a little bit of a bitch! This album gave us the Blank Space, Shake It Off, Wildest Dreams, Out of The Woods, I can name all the songs because not one was bad! 

4. Evermore

And here comes 'tis the season to remind us she's depressed. Honestly, I love Evermore, sometimes there were days I think it is better than Folklore (woah, woah, who said that!!!) but honestly, evermore is the matured, "I'll suffer in silence because none of y'all will understand me" version of Folklore. Unlike her twin sister who wants to let everybody know she wants to die, Evermore just locks herself in her room and cry in silence, and I honestly think that shows grief that's trying to progress. Songs like Its Time To Go and Happiness show that Evermore is trying to move on. It hurts, but she can do get it over with. 

3. Folklore

People say Folklore is her magnum opus. Dare I say, Joe bored her to death, she started creating scenarios in her head, it definitely wasn't her greatest work, but it was great. I cannot deny the excellence that is Folklore. Taylor Swift was able to show off how good her songwriting was with My Tears Ricochet, Peace, and The Lakes. I think, in this album, she was starting to process the emotions she couldn't detect back in Lover, that kind of grief that comes in realizing that something weren't meant to be for you. Especially in Peace. Peace was so gut-wrenching because it was literally her begging. Folklore was beautiful. "your integrity makes me seem small, you paint dreamscapes on the wall, I talk shit with my friends. it's like i'm wasting your honor," Honestly, what the hell. 

2. Red

Everybody in the back, right now! Where do I begin with Red? I could argue, this is the real magnum opus, but I know that isn't right, but oh my god, Red was a whole different level. All Too Well, State of Grace, Holy Ground, banger after banger. The pen was definitely working overtime during Red era. I am honestly so speechless with this album. My favorite songs were Sad Beautiful Tragic, Everything Has Changed, and All Too Well. "All I know is we said hello, so, dust off your highest hopes," wow. The songwriting was impeccable. I have no words. Compliments to the chef please! 

1. The Tortured Poets Department

On top of the pyramid, going three for three, once again, is TTPD. You knew she was coming at first, I knew she was coming at first. TTPD is the real magnum opus. The anger and grief mixed in every single track was so beautifully written. Honestly, I was going through a breakup with my own Matty Healy during the time, so this went DIAMOND, triple platinum, #1 on all charts, in my household. Where do I even begin? My god, what can we even say about TTPD? loml, the smallest man who ever lived, The Black Dog, COSOSOM, The Prophecy, and Peter took the top six spots of my top 10 saddest songs I've ever heard. I was SO sick for her. I was absolutely wrecked, disgusted, and heartbroken. Fuck Matty Healy, fuck Joe Alwyn, and you know what, fuck me too, I can't even blame her. 

I love Taylor Swift, and I speak for everyone when I say we ALL love her. You have no choice. You love her now too.

Love, 

Indira

knowing when and how to let go

 

It took years of heart break just for me to learn how to let go 

There were relationships, friendships, and situations in my life where I forced to stay even when my guts are telling me to let go. Throughout my teenage years and transition to young adulthood, there were moments where it felt like my relationships and friendships with other people were the most important thing in my life. For example, I maintained friendships with people even when I know they didn't have my best interest, only because I wasn't ready to let go of that connections in my life. 

It was hard for me to recognize when certain relationships and friendships are coming to an end, and most of the time, I would overstay my welcome to their lives because I was afraid of not being able to find new friendships and relationships, it was a sort of, desperation. I hanged on to people that I was meant to let go three seasons ago, only because I was afraid that if I wasn't with them, who would I be with?

When I was 19, I was in a relationship with this guy who was two years older than me. Long story short, it was toxic. I got constantly cheated on, I was disrespected and lied to, yet I stayed. I keep telling myself that eventually, if I stay long enough, he would change and our relationship would get better. 

Spoiler alert: it didn't. 

You know why it didn't? Because that's not how it works. Eventually I learned a very valuable lesson, that once the time is up, it is up, and it's not up to me to decide. It's kind of like, your alarm went off at 6:50 AM, and you were supposed to be in school by 7:00 AM. Staying in bed is not an option, and the decision is no longer up to you, there is only one thing you can do, and that is to leave. 

There were times in my life where I hear the alarm blasting on my ears, but I forced myself to stretch the time, I tried to find ways to stay, and at the end of it all, there was a price to pay for that, and I paid all of it alone. I guess, if I tell you "have the courage to leave" it would be easier to say than it is to do, huh? Because as people, when we love someone, we put up a fight, even when it comes to leaving.

Leaving people we love and relationships we value isn't one of those things you can learn easily by reading about, even with this blog, it is one of those things you would have to learn through experiences, it is one of those things you would have to learn through paying the price it will cost if you constantly stay in places and relationships you aren't supposed to be in. 

When I stayed with this man knowing well that I was supposed to leave a long time ago, it felt like my reality was stretching and there was a rope tied on my feet, pulling me away, but I was digging my nails to the ground trying to stay. Eventually, when I had no way to stay anymore, I faced the price I had to pay for staying, and it was myself and my future. That relationship cost me three years. Three years of being suspicious of every person I meet, three years of going to therapy, and three years of trying to forget...

Every decision, including staying in certain relationships, open a portal of thousands of realities in your life. They are doors that will lead you to a different reality and a different you. For example, if I didn't write this blog, you wouldn't be able to read it. If you didn't read it, you wouldn't have known my experiences. It is the same for every aspect of your life, including your relationships. Because I stayed longer in that relationship than what I was supposed to, I ended up missing out on possibilities of better relationships. Because I stayed in that relationship, I ended up having to go to therapy to process the sadness I experienced. 

I can't tell you exactly how to leave and when to leave, you have to learn discernment, and you have to learn how to do it. But what I would tell you is this: when you start feeling that maybe you should let go, that is your future self pointing you to the right door. A reality out there exists where you already lived through this, where you already know how it goes, and that version of you will poke you time to time, pointing which doors to walk to. You need to wake up at the sound of the alarm, you have to stretch your legs and your arms, and have it in you to turn the door knob. If not, the price to pay is yourself. 

This is my favorite poem,

"The time will come, 

when, with elation, 

you will greet yourself arriving at your own door, 

in your own mirror, 

and each will smile at other's welcome. 

And say, sit here. Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was your self.

Give wine, give bread, give back your heart.

To itself, to the stranger who has loved you

All your life, whom you ignored

for another, who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, 

the photographs, the desperate notes, 

peel your own image from the mirror. 
Sit. Feast on your life." 

- Derek Walcott, 1948 - 2013.

Have the courage, always, 
Indira ♡