Verity by Colleen Hoover

Verity
by Colleen Hoover 

Rating: 3.5 

Date Finished: 9/23/2026 

Genre: Thriller, Romance, Fiction 

Plot: 3.7
Characters: 3.5

Writing Style: 3.0

Setting: 4.5

Would Read Again? No. 

Would Recommend? Yes. 

Summary: 
Lowen Ashleigh is a struggling writer on the brink of financial ruin when she accepts the job offer of a lifetime. Jeremy Crawford, husband of bestselling author Verity Crawford, has hired Lowen to complete the remaining books in a successful series his injured wife is unable to finish.

Lowen arrives at the Crawford home, ready to sort through years of Verity's notes and outlines, hoping to find enough material to get her started. What Lowen doesn't expect to uncover in the chaotic office is an unfinished autobiography Verity never intended for anyone to read. Page after page of bone-chilling admissions, including Verity's recollection of what really happened the day her daughter died.

Lowen decides to keep the manuscript hidden from Jeremy, knowing its contents would devastate the already grieving father. But as Lowen's feelings for Jeremy begin to intensify, she recognizes all the ways she could benefit if he were to read his wife's words. After all, no matter how devoted Jeremy is to his injured wife, a truth this horrifying would make it impossible for him to continue to love her.

Review: 

First of all, Verity IS terrifying. After reading this book, I've come across an interview that Colleen Hoover had about it, she said that she wrote this book in the point-of-view of Lowen, and as the book comes to an end, she finds herself confused about how to think of Verity and Jeremy, and what exactly were the truth. So, looking at Lowen's point-of-view, Verity would terrify me exactly the same way she terrified Lowen. With Verity's character being so unpredictable, I found it hard to find sympathy for her, exactly the same way Lowen were. Verity was paralyzed and physically immobile, but I couldn't stop looking behind my back throughout the whole book, to make sure she isn't standing behind me, furious that I was finding out about her secret. 

I personally liked the way Verity's character was written, up until the very end. She was a complicated character, and right off the bat, I was able to form an emotional connection with her. I personally like characters that show a little flaw here and there, I think it makes them human in some way. She was a mother who lost two of her children, and then lost herself from a tragic car accident. And honestly, I feel even worse knowing that her publisher did not respect her enough to let the series die, if by chance, with her. If, by some chance, Verity was to be paralyzed for the rest of her life, her work should go with her. I think that hiring Lowen to continue her series without her permission was another form of taking away her agency (which I will get about in a little bit.) Verity was a perfect example of a complicated woman, she had dreams, fears, ambitions, and a life, that, unfortunately, we will never know in a deeper level, and I think that's a great reflection of our relationships with other people. 

Jeremy, on the other hand, is a far more unlikeable character for me. Perhaps it is my own biases and relationships with men who are in complicated relationships. Somehow, my mind looked at Jeremy in a very suspicious light. What was it about Jeremy that drove Verity insane? As he said, he is one of the Chronics, a type of people that attracts tragedy. I always think that there is some kind of common denominator on things like this. If a person consistently attracts a specific kind of toxic relationships, there shall be a point in time where one must look within themselves and analyze the part of themselves that manages to find their way to those toxic relationships, it is the same with Jeremy. Losing two of his children, and then his wife having a car accident, then his son always in the brink of danger, and then whatever happened to Lowen a little further down the story; it just seems like Jeremy isn't this sad, little victim, perhaps, there is something about him that is as deeply disturbing as everything around him. How can one person attract this much darkness without some darkness already living within them? As I read through the book, my thoughts about Jeremy grew stronger. It wasn't until later on in the book. Jeremy, on the surface, looks like he is gentle, understanding, and kind; the type of man that hugs you when you needed him to, and that, perhaps, Lowen and Verity were right about the kind of man he was, BUT you would have to look a little closer. The first red flag was when he proposed the idea of locking Lowen from the outside, which is the same feature Verity had in her own room. Lowen knew she didn't like this, but blinded by the comfort and kindness shown and given to her by Jeremy, she agreed. I swear, that lock had a symbolism behind it. Let's say, for the good of it all, let's give Jeremy the benefit of the doubt: Lowen does sleepwalk, and she was terrified when she woke next to Verity, but how about Verity? In Jeremy's eyes, she was a paralyzed, immobile woman who cannot walk, talk, crawl, or even move her toes. What is the purpose of locking her from the outside? But alas, it was never about the lock, it was about control. There was a part where he questioned why Lowen needed a lock from the inside, thinking she was scared of him that's why she needed to lock the door from the inside. What if we reversed that? The reason he proposed to lock Lowen's room from the outside, the same as for his immobile wife, was because he wanted some form of control.

Another red flag was the two times he tried to manipulate what happened to both Verity and Patricia, to Lowen. He emphasized multiple times that he did not kill them, they died in an accidental matter to which he did not have any contribution or involvement, until the same words had completely penetrated Lowen's confused mind, and he managed to twist the reality inside her head. No, we didn't kill Verity, she died in her sleep. And No, I didn't drown Patricia, she drowned on her own. Until Lowen, herself, started questioning her own reality and what the truth was. If Jeremy have the capacity to twist Lowen's truth, a woman who had been to therapy, a woman who didn't have half of the trauma Verity had, what was stopping him from doing the same thing to Verity, a woman who just lost one of her daughters? What if he did that to her about Harper's death? Maybe, this theory was a little reach, but we know Jeremy have manipulative tendencies, and we know that Verity gave us two different possibilities of the truth, but at the same time, Verity is dead, and there is someone in the house who knows the truth and will die with it, and it is Jeremy. 

I honestly could go on and on about how Jeremy might be the mastermind behind everything. But, then, again, there's still the letter, and that letter really contradicts a lot of the opinions I am trying to build about the life Verity and Jeremy lived. But long theory short, here's what I would say: Jeremy was manipulative. At some point of their relationship, in some degree, he had twisted Verity's reality into something she couldn't recognize herself, and she became extremely dependent on him to be provided of the truth, of what was and what wasn't. Verity was a confident woman, she knew what she wanted, and she knew how to get it. Why would a woman with this charisma and self-esteem be fully dependent on someone else for reassurance and existence? 

And at the end of the story, Lowen, a woman who have a well-built survival instinct, enough to take care of her mother and not fall for her mother's manipulation, enough to recognize an unhealthy relationship with Corey and proceeded to decide to leave, enough to know initially that she could not be with a married man, started thinking of herself as an otherwise liability to Jeremy's life if she was no longer useful? Why would a woman who always thought highly of children, start thinking Crew is a danger to her and her family? You can see how Lowen's personality and behavior morphed to what Verity was in her manuscript: insecure, fragile, doubtful, and scared. The same with Verity as she described in her manuscripts, Lowen started being scared of being seen as useless and undesirable, that she was willing to bend her morals in fear of either losing Jeremy or having to see him retaliate, after all, she did see him murder two women when he didn't get his way. 

I've also seen a lot of discussion about which truth was the actual truth, the manuscript or the letter, and my answer is both. The letter didn't deny the fact that those events did happen, the deaths, the car accidents, etcetera, it just told the internal dialogue Verity had during those events. And the letter explained the external circumstances that were outside of Verity's internal dialogue: Jeremy's anger, how her daughters die, what happened to Crew. It was all the same, they were all true, just in a different point-of-views. The manuscript focused more on the chaos Verity was experiencing internally, how she deemed herself, Jeremy, her experiences with postpartum depression and psychosis, and the letter explained the things she saw outside of herself. I do believe she was experiencing postpartum depression and psychosis, only because Verity never wanted children, and she didn't have the confidence she initially had in herself to hold that conversation with Jeremy, and given the fact that she was raised religious by her religious parents, I would assume she had felt the pressure on all sides to have children, even when she truly didn't want to. Yet, I do believe Verity loved her twin daughters. Two truths can coexist at the same time, and we can see it with Lowen at the end of the book; she was struggling between holding Jeremy accountable for the violence he was showing, and letting him do it for the sake of her love for him and his children. I could argue that Verity was experiencing the same thing, the internal battle between loving her children, and watching the life she wanted for herself crash and burn. 

So, yes, Verity did some despicable things. Maybe she truly believed her twin daughters didn't deserve the life they got, maybe in her worst days, she believed the sick thoughts she had of herself and her family. But at the same time, I think Jeremy had a hand in dismantling the healthy, logical reality Verity had, the same way he did with Lowen. I believe Jeremy had a way into bending these women in ways he desire them to bend, and when they are no longer a good investment of his energy, when they become a liability, they face the same fate as of a chronic: a dark, tragic life. 

It's a good book, don't get me wrong. But I feel like there are sides we didn't get to see, after all, this was written in Lowen's point-of-view.

The Butterfly Effect

I am certain that I died before. There was a point in my life where my heart stopped, and my soul left my body, and I was dead. Maybe it was a distant memory, a situation I can not remember anymore, but I am sure it happened at some point. I was reflecting about the things I experienced in my life, and some of these things I was fully convinced I would not get through, but now, became stories I write about in my blog on a Sunday afternoon. When I was thinking of these things, I was also analyzing my life; everything that I have, everything that I lost, and realizing how one small detail could have changed the whole course of my life. 

A couple of days ago, I was running a high fever. I was dizzy and completely out of my mind. I called my boyfriend upstairs to bring me a glass of water and my Aspirin bottle from the kitchen. When he came by, I tried calling his name three times, and I was frustrated at the sight of him ignoring me while he stood in front of me, in the middle of my dark room with his phone on his face, so I yelled, "Hey!" as loud as my sickened lung could. He answered me with a surprised, "what?!" and I was mad, immediately. I threw my phone at him, and he slammed the door behind him. I called for my mother, who was visiting us for the weekend, and she blamed my actions as the reasons why I was sick, "Maybe the way you've been treating him is the reason you're sick, it's your fault." I could feel the blood rush to a vein in my head. Long story short, I was furious, and I kicked both of them out of my house. 

As I sat there alone in a dark room, I started thinking of all the decisions that led up to this point: a boyfriend living with me, a dog, a two-bedroom Townhouse in the middle of an unfamiliar city... all these things had a root event on them, a time and place where I decided that moving forward with a certain decision (that would inevitably lead here) was the right move for me. That night, I was in and out of my dreams, all I could think about is: if I change, just the smallest minor detail in my life five years ago, would everything still lead here? 

That night, as I fall asleep yet again for the third time, I dreamt of something peculiar: I was transported back to the same time and place I was in five years ago. I was young and alone, living with my 2-year old Siamese cat in a beaten-up travel trailer in the country side of Texas. The sun seeps through the sheer curtain hanged on the dirty windows of my travel trailer, the dusts danced by the sunlight in the middle of my room, I had just woke up from the twin-sized bed I bought from Facebook marketplace, and it was eight in the morning, and I was five years younger. I wasn't less wise than I was two minutes ago, as a matter of fact, I knew that I was dreaming. There was a sense of knowing that I left behind a life outside of my dreams. Then, I had to think of all my choices and my steps, I knew that if even one thing was changed in the sequences of my life, the future will too. I knew that f I stayed sitting on my twin-size bed one second too long, the consequence of that one second will build like a tidal wave, crashing down on the version of me five years later. I had to decide: is the future life I have worth keeping? If not, and I choose to change the fate of my life, what aspect will I change? What if the consequences of the changes I'd make are way too grave? 

Then, comes the understanding. It was some sense of fear, that yes, at this very moment, I had the opportunity to change the entire fate of my life. I knew how this day, and the rest of my life moving forward, up to five years in time, would play. I knew that, in about an hour, I will take my cat outside with the brown journal I bought from Walmart, I will sit under the tree, by the shade, and I will journal. I know that, that day, I will meet people I will become friends with. I know that those people will lead me to date a boy, who, then, I'd date for two years. I know that that relationship will lead into so many things, which then, will lead me to the life I live now. I know that it is about to come. Will I stand in the way? Will I stop the sequence from happening to save myself from years of pain and heartache? or will I let everything unfold how they were meant to?

In that moment, I can tell you that I definitely weighed my options, the pros and cons, what is worth it and what isn't, and I came to the conclusion to let everything unfold the way they were meant to. I decided to let it happen, all of it. All the heartbreaks, the breakups, betrayals, the friendships I lost, the friendships I cherished, the people that came and went; I decided to let it happen. Everything that ever happened in my life, both the bad and the good, came with a root event, even the current version of myself. Everything that has become were only possible because of what was. The past was not a mistake, they were domino pieces that fell on the right spot, at the right time. Everything had a purpose, every time line, every mistake, everything that ever was. 

That day, it was beautiful outside. The sun was bright, the wind was cold, and the grass were dry. I decided to go outside with my brown journal, I let my cat out, and I watched him run circles around the trailer while I sat under a tree. I remembered that day as clear as if it happened yesterday, and I knew how everything unfolded like the back of my hands. I knew what I was about to do in a few hours, in a few days, in a few weeks, and I know exactly what will happen in a few years. If I stayed under the tree three minutes longer than I was meant to, perhaps, I would've missed that one specific message sent by that one specific person that changed the trajectory of my life. Or maybe, if I stayed three minutes more, I would've lost the interest or desire to even respond. Maybe, if I took a nap like I wanted to, I would've never met the friends I made that day. So on, and on.

What I am telling you, and perhaps, myself, is that everything happened for a reason, yes, I know, that statement is a bit cliche and exhausting to hear, but it is true. If, by chance, I spent more time doing a specific task that day, everything that came afterwards would have never happened, and the life I am living would have never even been possible, and this blog would have never been written. I knew, while I was dreaming, that the effects of my actions will build into a tidal wave, and it will change everything that I ever know now and who I have become. So, if getting up from that tree at that specific minute led me to meet my ex-boyfriend at that exact minute, which, then, led me to the worst heartbreak of my life, which, then, led me to everything that ever happened, I am glad that it did. 

At the moment of my worst heartbreaks, I cried on the floor and begged God that I wish none of it ever happened. Two years ago, I lost a girl I thought could become my best friend and it broke my heart to an extent that it took me some time to bounce back from. I swear, when I was in the middle of the chaos and betrayal, I wished from the deepest depth of my soul that I wished I never met this girl. Two years later, looking back, this girl pushed me to meet my now-husband, who gave me such a beautiful and happy life. If she never broke my heart, he would've never reached out. If he never reached out, we would've never found out what kind of relationship we could've had. When the people I've lost, broke my heart, I couldn't see anything past the heartache and the abandonment. But now, there is some sense of gratitude and acceptance that I achieved after some time. I am glad that all of it happened, I am glad that all of it led to who I am now. 

They call it the Butterfly Effect. The small changes combined all together will lead to a different outcome; a different life. Everything that I decided to do, everything that had happened to me, led me to this future. A future where I have a dog, a house in an unfamiliar city, and a husband I was arguing with that night because I was mean. Everything led me to a life where I was no longer alone, living in a trailer, with nobody but a cat and a brown journal... it led me to a happy, fulfilled life. 

So, if given the chance to go back knowing that any action, regardless of how small they may seem, could change the sequence and fate of my entire life, will I change something and inevitably change my future? or will I stand in the corner and let it all unfold, knowing that came with the path meant for me were years of heartache before I am able to see a good life? The answer is... I will stand and let it unfold. 

That night, my husband came back a few hours later, when my fever settled and his anger calmed down. I felt the warmth of his body slide slowly and carefully next to me, I snapped back into reality where I laid sweaty in the middle of an empty bed, with my skin burning from the high fever, and the bottle of aspirin he brought a few hours ago sat next to my bed. There were loud barks downstairs from my dog, scratching on the door from my anxious cat, and my husband wrapping his arms around my waist, so careful as to not wake me up. 

I am glad all the chaos led me here. 

I am glad I can finally see the purpose of it all. Why I broke my heart. Why I was so lonely for years. 

It all led here. The butterflies led me here.

Thank God I got up from that tree when I was meant to. 

All love, 

Indira. 

Words Are Portal: Magic Behind Manifestations

Dear readers, in this blog, I'll tell you this little magic that has been going on in my life. Once is a coincidence, twice is weird, but thrice IS on purpose. You have to trust me, I am not delusional. Lately, there's this magical force in my life, where whatever I say and believe, actually comes true~!

It all started at work. Lately, there has been delays after delays on my plans. I wrote about it in my online diary and in my blog, that I feel like I was in this stagnant energy where I could not see a way out. For a better word, I'll give you an example. If you have been keeping track of my blog posts, you'll have a small idea how my job works. In my job, there are levels to it. You have to be specially trained in every section before you are able to work in that area. I won't go into much detail about it, but keep in mind: get trained = work. Not trained = no work. I want to be able to move up to a higher position in this job; however, I won't be able to do that if I was not getting trained properly. So, one day before I headed to work, I took out my manifestation journal and I manifested that all blocks standing in my way would be removed, so that opportunities will flow easier and faster into my life. Surprise, surprise, when I got to work, I got the news that the work I had been doing was no longer permitted by management, so now, my team won't have any choice but to train me. 

Another example is this, I am a naturally introverted person. I am not quite good at talking to people or making small conversations, so lately, I've been telling myself at the back of my head that I am confident over and over again. In just a week, I've made more friends and connections than I have in my entire life. 

Honestly, I could not give you more examples because the amount of manifestations I have that came true is so shocking to me. Whenever I make self-deprecating jokes about myself, the same jokes became true. Whenever I say my affirmations, or I believe that good things will come to me, exactly that happens. So, there's only one conclusion to this: Words are portal, and they are what behind manifestations. 

I am not a religious person, though, I grew up Christian. In my early 20s, I ended up converting to Buddhism, which is something I don't personally believe is a religion, as of right now at least, this belief is new to me, and is something I'm still finding my footing on. But, in the Christian Bible, in Proverbs 18:21, it says "The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it, will eat its fruit." Meaning, whatever word we carry on our tongue will create consequences within ourselves and the people around us. Gautama Buddha also said "All that we are is the result of what we have thought." Meaning, whatever we think and speak of, will have consequences with them, either good or bad. So, if all these religious leaders spoke about our words and thoughts, therefore, there is some force within them. 

People love to speak about manifestation, yet sometimes, they do it without the proper techniques. In this blog, I will show you my ways of manifesting, and getting the things I wanted, I was so shocked that were even possible. 

First step: BE what exactly you're manifesting. In Rene Descartes's Discourse On Method he coined the term Cogito, Ergo Sum. The statement, cogito, ergo sum, is the only statement that survived his methodic doubt, a way of searching for certainty by systematically doubting everything. He said, that, even if an all-powerful demon were to try to deceive him into thinking that he exists when he does not, he would have to exist in order for the demon to deceive him. Therefore, whenever he thinks, he exists. Thus, the word sum or I am, was coined. In his work Principles of Philosophy, he added that cogito is the conclusion. Meaning, he is thinking, and whatever thinks must exist. Cargo, ergo sum. I could apply the same logic with my manifestations. Say, I am manifesting that I am confident and abundant. By thinking that I am confident and abundant; therefore, I am. If I am thinking that I am someone, then that version of me already exists. 

Second step: Be consistent. Merriam-Webster defines consistency as steadfast adherence to the same principles, a steady pattern of behavior. According to Health, Colin Camerer, PhD, study author and behavioral economist at The California Institute of Technology, stated that the belief that it only takes 21 days to build a new habit was not backed up by science. However, Ernesto Lira De La Rosa, PhD, said, “It can take up to one month to form a new habit, but this requires consistently engaging in the behavior throughout the entire time frame." So, the 21-day habit-building timeline may not be backed up by science, but it is possible with consistency. Merriam-Webster defines habit as an acquired mode of behavior that has become nearly or completely involuntary. Therefore, for you to build an involuntary habit of believing your manifestation exists, you must be consistent with thinking that they are. For example, I am trying my best to be more socially active and be more confident. If I have one bad social interaction, and I let that ruin my manifestations of confidence, I would, then, ruin my consistency. I must make believing and thinking of my manifestations consistently until thinking and believing their existence become an involuntary behavior. If one bad social interaction would cause me to go from "I am confident and open to friendships," to "I can't do this and I am embarrassing," not only will I break my consistency, I will also become who exactly I think I am. 

Third, and final step: Be grateful. I told you how to speak of yourself, then how to get your manifestations going, the next is to be grateful. Here's the thing: you can want more and be grateful for what you have simultaneously. It doesn't have to be one way or another. The American Psychological Association defines gratitude as a sense of happiness in response to a fortunate happenstance or a tangible gift. So, if something good happens to you, you will be grateful. For Buddhism, gratitude is indicative of the concept of dependent origination, which means that everything is interconnected. As everything is interconnected in a web of life that sustains you and I, being grateful to others, animals, and all of life is the key to a more positive and open life. Think about it this way, if I'm manifesting something I want in a form of focusing on what I don't have, I will, then, speak badly of my life and myself, putting myself all the way back to step one. However, if I continue on the positive aspects of my life, focusing on what I have, I will, then, speak positively about myself and my life. In return, opening my doors for more abundance to come in. 

Here's the thing: there is no one-size-fits-all in manifestations, but this is my way, and so far, things happened in my life and the things I wasn't so happy about turned themselves upside down in a matter of a couple of days. Some of these things were a little ambitious, to say the least, and I was so surprised when my manifestations still happened, or maybe, secretly, I wasn't so surprise. After all, I always knew I'll have it my way. 

Here's to all the things I have, and all the things I know I will get. 

Indira.

Dealing With Insecurity

One thing is for sure: when I am in front of certain people, I feel insecure. Or somewhat, I feel small. The past two weeks, I've been struggling with one thing, feeling insecure. Yesterday, as I come home from my 10-hour shift at work, I sat in my car with my lips trembling and my eyes shut closed, I could not stop myself from crying. No, calling that crying would not suffice; I was weeping. I've been struggling with fighting my footing at work and where I stand with my co-workers, and that was making me feel extremely insecure. 

A good example was the one time that I felt frustrated and expressed that with my co-worker. I typically wasn't the type of person that would raise my voice but this time, I got carried away. I raised my voice and expressed how disappointed I am that this situation has happened once again. I decided then to step away from the conversation and support the team quietly. I decided that, since I was frustrated, it would best that I regulate my nervous system, re-center myself, and remember how to express and show only gratitude, kindness, and love. Unfortunately, for me, that could not be the case. My coworker took it upon himself to discuss my frustrations and issues directly to my supervisor before I was able to speak up for myself. His decision to advocate for me had stripped away opportunities for me to advocate for myself. I felt small, and I felt that I was not trusted to hold those conversations on my own. 

Another good example was the multiple times where I felt like my opportunities were purposefully getting pushed and delayed, and that growth opportunities were getting handed easier and faster to other people than me. I could not tell you how strong of an emotion these circumstances had caused me. My company is currently ongoing a massive training for new hires (including me) and current employees. These trainings are crucial into unlocking, what I would call, levels and abilities one employee could do within the company. For example, if you are trained in Ability A, you will be able to work in section A. If you are not, that section will remain unavailable for you. As of right now, I have been working for this company for a month. Sadly for me, I have been stuck in, for a better word, section 0, a section where untrained, unskilled associates are. What causes my insecurity was the fact that I was hired for a management/leadership position, and I was getting excuses as to why my training was constantly not being prioritized. 

This situation played a vital role on my issue this week. In certain situations, I felt as if certain things were being taken away from me, like opportunities to learn, advocate, and express. In situations like this, I could tell you that the first solution I would do is to remove myself from the environment where my peace, happiness, and needs were not being taken seriously; however, this work is not just a job for me, but a path to a career I am actively pursuing. The decision to leave, I fear, is not an option for me. 

So, for the past week, including today as I am writing this blog entry, I am still dealing with the feelings of insecurity I got from work. This feeling has caused my nervous system to be wrecked, and caused me to feel anxious going to work, when I know, when I was starting this new chapter, I was really excited for all the opportunities I opened for myself and the people I will be able to meet. Of course, this feeling of insecurity and anxiety isn't just due to one person, it wasn't because of my supervisor, or my coworker, or anybody in particular. I think it was a combination of multiple aspects, and people, and situations that has caused me this amount of complex feelings, feelings that I am responsible for understanding. The only solution to understanding complex and unfamiliar feelings is to break it apart in section, dissecting its body, and understanding each part. 

The reason why I feel these feelings is because I have a good sense of what I know I deserve, and when faced with a situation or an environment where the standards of what I know I deserve is constantly not being met, it would, then, cause me to feel small, insecure, or intimidated. There are experiences in life where only I know happened, and one of those things was what it took for me to learn, earn, and get those standards of needs, what I would accept and what I would not accept. When situations like this arise, where I feel like my hard-earned standards are being violated, I lose respect for the present version of myself, for the version of myself that went through hell and back to get those standards. If I allow someone in my work team to push me, my opportunities, and my advocacy, I am, in fact, doing that to myself. If I let someone stomp all over what I know I deserve, I am, in return, stomping all over myself. What I allow other people do to me is merely me doing that to myself. 

So, then, if their actions and my consent of it all is a reflection of my treatment towards myself, in return, their actions will cause me to lose confidence and respect towards my present self, knowing that after everything I have been through, I still could not stand up for myself; therefore, that loss of confidence and self-esteem will cause me to feel anxious, scared, and insecure. It wasn't the fact that they treated me this or that way, it was the fact that I allowed it, and I allowed them. 

Then, you'd ask me, "What are your plans on addressing this issue?" The easy solution is if I tell you: I will stand up for myself from now on. That isn't really how it works in environments where social and power hierarchy exists. For example, at work, I have supervisors and people considered more skilled, more knowledgeable, and sometimes, more favorable than me. Retaliation, even though it is frowned upon, still exists and sometimes they exists in the cracks of normal work interaction. If I refuse to tolerate, I would be risking retaliation from my supervisors and co-workers. There is only a couple of steps I can take to ensure that my mental safety, boundaries, and peace are secured and that is to leave. 

Before I get to that part, I have to tell you why I decided that the only way for me to get through this feelings are, in fact, not through reflection or regulation, but through quitting. There are situations in life where you can grow within certain relationships, and you can better yourself and the relationship through mutual understanding and adjustment. For example, if you are dating a person and you and your partner could not see eye-to-eye on certain arguments, I could argue that this is something you can fix if both parties mutually agree on controlling and highlighting certain behaviors, like controlling your impulse and highlighting your patience, through enough work, practice, and understanding, eventually, you will both learn to grow together; however, in this case where my work team are not people I am emotionally involved with, arriving in a mutual agreement of understanding and patience is not an option. I cannot mutually agree with all parties involved that my boundaries and needs has to be met, because they have no responsibility over protecting my feelings. Yes, I feel insecure. Yes, I feel intimated and small; however, I can not make anyone stop contributing to the root of these feelings. I can only kindly ask them to consider, but the decision to do so, ultimately, falls on them. 

In relationships, when you are fully committed or so lost in love, it's especially difficult to spot these feelings when they come. It is the same thing with other kinds of relationships: family, work, friendships. We get so caught up in the good of it all that the mere idea of losing the good is enough to scare ourselves into staying. My lola always say, "one must pick their battles, and admit defeat when it is time to do so." I understand that I was excited with this job, and that there are opportunities that opened for me; however, I can't let the good distract myself from the problem on hand: I am stagnant and my opportunities are not evolving. So, what can I do? what can I control? Can I control something? Anything? If not, then I lost, and I must admit that to move forward to something better, something more. 

So yes, the solution is to leave. The feelings are internal, the root is internal; however, I cannot control the external factors (work team, people, job) to understand where I am coming from, but I can remove myself from the equation. 

I guess, long blog short, what I am telling you is that I validate myself and why I feel insecure this past week. I understand where it is all coming from and I understand whose responsibility it is to fix these problems, both internal and external. I also especially understand how the external aspect of my insecurity is not something I have control over. I cannot simply just make people stop acting in a way that triggers these emotions, I also cannot simply just sit there and tolerate it, so there is only one solution, and I have to face that solution head-on regardless of the fear and disappointment I have with what I am about to lose. Both parties must come to a mutual agreement, and sometimes, I would have to make the decision for the both of us. 

Anyway, this week have forced me to understand certain feelings I have towards certain situations and people. Past mistakes are just new information! 

These days I've got expectations,

Indira.