Verity by Colleen Hoover

Verity
by Colleen Hoover 

Rating: 3.5 

Date Finished: 9/23/2026 

Genre: Thriller, Romance, Fiction 

Plot: 3.7
Characters: 3.5

Writing Style: 3.0

Setting: 4.5

Would Read Again? No. 

Would Recommend? Yes. 

Summary: 
Lowen Ashleigh is a struggling writer on the brink of financial ruin when she accepts the job offer of a lifetime. Jeremy Crawford, husband of bestselling author Verity Crawford, has hired Lowen to complete the remaining books in a successful series his injured wife is unable to finish.

Lowen arrives at the Crawford home, ready to sort through years of Verity's notes and outlines, hoping to find enough material to get her started. What Lowen doesn't expect to uncover in the chaotic office is an unfinished autobiography Verity never intended for anyone to read. Page after page of bone-chilling admissions, including Verity's recollection of what really happened the day her daughter died.

Lowen decides to keep the manuscript hidden from Jeremy, knowing its contents would devastate the already grieving father. But as Lowen's feelings for Jeremy begin to intensify, she recognizes all the ways she could benefit if he were to read his wife's words. After all, no matter how devoted Jeremy is to his injured wife, a truth this horrifying would make it impossible for him to continue to love her.

Review: 

First of all, Verity IS terrifying. After reading this book, I've come across an interview that Colleen Hoover had about it, she said that she wrote this book in the point-of-view of Lowen, and as the book comes to an end, she finds herself confused about how to think of Verity and Jeremy, and what exactly were the truth. So, looking at Lowen's point-of-view, Verity would terrify me exactly the same way she terrified Lowen. With Verity's character being so unpredictable, I found it hard to find sympathy for her, exactly the same way Lowen were. Verity was paralyzed and physically immobile, but I couldn't stop looking behind my back throughout the whole book, to make sure she isn't standing behind me, furious that I was finding out about her secret. 

I personally liked the way Verity's character was written, up until the very end. She was a complicated character, and right off the bat, I was able to form an emotional connection with her. I personally like characters that show a little flaw here and there, I think it makes them human in some way. She was a mother who lost two of her children, and then lost herself from a tragic car accident. And honestly, I feel even worse knowing that her publisher did not respect her enough to let the series die, if by chance, with her. If, by some chance, Verity was to be paralyzed for the rest of her life, her work should go with her. I think that hiring Lowen to continue her series without her permission was another form of taking away her agency (which I will get about in a little bit.) Verity was a perfect example of a complicated woman, she had dreams, fears, ambitions, and a life, that, unfortunately, we will never know in a deeper level, and I think that's a great reflection of our relationships with other people. 

Jeremy, on the other hand, is a far more unlikeable character for me. Perhaps it is my own biases and relationships with men who are in complicated relationships. Somehow, my mind looked at Jeremy in a very suspicious light. What was it about Jeremy that drove Verity insane? As he said, he is one of the Chronics, a type of people that attracts tragedy. I always think that there is some kind of common denominator on things like this. If a person consistently attracts a specific kind of toxic relationships, there shall be a point in time where one must look within themselves and analyze the part of themselves that manages to find their way to those toxic relationships, it is the same with Jeremy. Losing two of his children, and then his wife having a car accident, then his son always in the brink of danger, and then whatever happened to Lowen a little further down the story; it just seems like Jeremy isn't this sad, little victim, perhaps, there is something about him that is as deeply disturbing as everything around him. How can one person attract this much darkness without some darkness already living within them? As I read through the book, my thoughts about Jeremy grew stronger. It wasn't until later on in the book. Jeremy, on the surface, looks like he is gentle, understanding, and kind; the type of man that hugs you when you needed him to, and that, perhaps, Lowen and Verity were right about the kind of man he was, BUT you would have to look a little closer. The first red flag was when he proposed the idea of locking Lowen from the outside, which is the same feature Verity had in her own room. Lowen knew she didn't like this, but blinded by the comfort and kindness shown and given to her by Jeremy, she agreed. I swear, that lock had a symbolism behind it. Let's say, for the good of it all, let's give Jeremy the benefit of the doubt: Lowen does sleepwalk, and she was terrified when she woke next to Verity, but how about Verity? In Jeremy's eyes, she was a paralyzed, immobile woman who cannot walk, talk, crawl, or even move her toes. What is the purpose of locking her from the outside? But alas, it was never about the lock, it was about control. There was a part where he questioned why Lowen needed a lock from the inside, thinking she was scared of him that's why she needed to lock the door from the inside. What if we reversed that? The reason he proposed to lock Lowen's room from the outside, the same as for his immobile wife, was because he wanted some form of control.

Another red flag was the two times he tried to manipulate what happened to both Verity and Patricia, to Lowen. He emphasized multiple times that he did not kill them, they died in an accidental matter to which he did not have any contribution or involvement, until the same words had completely penetrated Lowen's confused mind, and he managed to twist the reality inside her head. No, we didn't kill Verity, she died in her sleep. And No, I didn't drown Patricia, she drowned on her own. Until Lowen, herself, started questioning her own reality and what the truth was. If Jeremy have the capacity to twist Lowen's truth, a woman who had been to therapy, a woman who didn't have half of the trauma Verity had, what was stopping him from doing the same thing to Verity, a woman who just lost one of her daughters? What if he did that to her about Harper's death? Maybe, this theory was a little reach, but we know Jeremy have manipulative tendencies, and we know that Verity gave us two different possibilities of the truth, but at the same time, Verity is dead, and there is someone in the house who knows the truth and will die with it, and it is Jeremy. 

I honestly could go on and on about how Jeremy might be the mastermind behind everything. But, then, again, there's still the letter, and that letter really contradicts a lot of the opinions I am trying to build about the life Verity and Jeremy lived. But long theory short, here's what I would say: Jeremy was manipulative. At some point of their relationship, in some degree, he had twisted Verity's reality into something she couldn't recognize herself, and she became extremely dependent on him to be provided of the truth, of what was and what wasn't. Verity was a confident woman, she knew what she wanted, and she knew how to get it. Why would a woman with this charisma and self-esteem be fully dependent on someone else for reassurance and existence? 

And at the end of the story, Lowen, a woman who have a well-built survival instinct, enough to take care of her mother and not fall for her mother's manipulation, enough to recognize an unhealthy relationship with Corey and proceeded to decide to leave, enough to know initially that she could not be with a married man, started thinking of herself as an otherwise liability to Jeremy's life if she was no longer useful? Why would a woman who always thought highly of children, start thinking Crew is a danger to her and her family? You can see how Lowen's personality and behavior morphed to what Verity was in her manuscript: insecure, fragile, doubtful, and scared. The same with Verity as she described in her manuscripts, Lowen started being scared of being seen as useless and undesirable, that she was willing to bend her morals in fear of either losing Jeremy or having to see him retaliate, after all, she did see him murder two women when he didn't get his way. 

I've also seen a lot of discussion about which truth was the actual truth, the manuscript or the letter, and my answer is both. The letter didn't deny the fact that those events did happen, the deaths, the car accidents, etcetera, it just told the internal dialogue Verity had during those events. And the letter explained the external circumstances that were outside of Verity's internal dialogue: Jeremy's anger, how her daughters die, what happened to Crew. It was all the same, they were all true, just in a different point-of-views. The manuscript focused more on the chaos Verity was experiencing internally, how she deemed herself, Jeremy, her experiences with postpartum depression and psychosis, and the letter explained the things she saw outside of herself. I do believe she was experiencing postpartum depression and psychosis, only because Verity never wanted children, and she didn't have the confidence she initially had in herself to hold that conversation with Jeremy, and given the fact that she was raised religious by her religious parents, I would assume she had felt the pressure on all sides to have children, even when she truly didn't want to. Yet, I do believe Verity loved her twin daughters. Two truths can coexist at the same time, and we can see it with Lowen at the end of the book; she was struggling between holding Jeremy accountable for the violence he was showing, and letting him do it for the sake of her love for him and his children. I could argue that Verity was experiencing the same thing, the internal battle between loving her children, and watching the life she wanted for herself crash and burn. 

So, yes, Verity did some despicable things. Maybe she truly believed her twin daughters didn't deserve the life they got, maybe in her worst days, she believed the sick thoughts she had of herself and her family. But at the same time, I think Jeremy had a hand in dismantling the healthy, logical reality Verity had, the same way he did with Lowen. I believe Jeremy had a way into bending these women in ways he desire them to bend, and when they are no longer a good investment of his energy, when they become a liability, they face the same fate as of a chronic: a dark, tragic life. 

It's a good book, don't get me wrong. But I feel like there are sides we didn't get to see, after all, this was written in Lowen's point-of-view.

The Butterfly Effect

I am certain that I died before. There was a point in my life where my heart stopped, and my soul left my body, and I was dead. Maybe it was a distant memory, a situation I can not remember anymore, but I am sure it happened at some point. I was reflecting about the things I experienced in my life, and some of these things I was fully convinced I would not get through, but now, became stories I write about in my blog on a Sunday afternoon. When I was thinking of these things, I was also analyzing my life; everything that I have, everything that I lost, and realizing how one small detail could have changed the whole course of my life. 

A couple of days ago, I was running a high fever. I was dizzy and completely out of my mind. I called my boyfriend upstairs to bring me a glass of water and my Aspirin bottle from the kitchen. When he came by, I tried calling his name three times, and I was frustrated at the sight of him ignoring me while he stood in front of me, in the middle of my dark room with his phone on his face, so I yelled, "Hey!" as loud as my sickened lung could. He answered me with a surprised, "what?!" and I was mad, immediately. I threw my phone at him, and he slammed the door behind him. I called for my mother, who was visiting us for the weekend, and she blamed my actions as the reasons why I was sick, "Maybe the way you've been treating him is the reason you're sick, it's your fault." I could feel the blood rush to a vein in my head. Long story short, I was furious, and I kicked both of them out of my house. 

As I sat there alone in a dark room, I started thinking of all the decisions that led up to this point: a boyfriend living with me, a dog, a two-bedroom Townhouse in the middle of an unfamiliar city... all these things had a root event on them, a time and place where I decided that moving forward with a certain decision (that would inevitably lead here) was the right move for me. That night, I was in and out of my dreams, all I could think about is: if I change, just the smallest minor detail in my life five years ago, would everything still lead here? 

That night, as I fall asleep yet again for the third time, I dreamt of something peculiar: I was transported back to the same time and place I was in five years ago. I was young and alone, living with my 2-year old Siamese cat in a beaten-up travel trailer in the country side of Texas. The sun seeps through the sheer curtain hanged on the dirty windows of my travel trailer, the dusts danced by the sunlight in the middle of my room, I had just woke up from the twin-sized bed I bought from Facebook marketplace, and it was eight in the morning, and I was five years younger. I wasn't less wise than I was two minutes ago, as a matter of fact, I knew that I was dreaming. There was a sense of knowing that I left behind a life outside of my dreams. Then, I had to think of all my choices and my steps, I knew that if even one thing was changed in the sequences of my life, the future will too. I knew that f I stayed sitting on my twin-size bed one second too long, the consequence of that one second will build like a tidal wave, crashing down on the version of me five years later. I had to decide: is the future life I have worth keeping? If not, and I choose to change the fate of my life, what aspect will I change? What if the consequences of the changes I'd make are way too grave? 

Then, comes the understanding. It was some sense of fear, that yes, at this very moment, I had the opportunity to change the entire fate of my life. I knew how this day, and the rest of my life moving forward, up to five years in time, would play. I knew that, in about an hour, I will take my cat outside with the brown journal I bought from Walmart, I will sit under the tree, by the shade, and I will journal. I know that, that day, I will meet people I will become friends with. I know that those people will lead me to date a boy, who, then, I'd date for two years. I know that that relationship will lead into so many things, which then, will lead me to the life I live now. I know that it is about to come. Will I stand in the way? Will I stop the sequence from happening to save myself from years of pain and heartache? or will I let everything unfold how they were meant to?

In that moment, I can tell you that I definitely weighed my options, the pros and cons, what is worth it and what isn't, and I came to the conclusion to let everything unfold the way they were meant to. I decided to let it happen, all of it. All the heartbreaks, the breakups, betrayals, the friendships I lost, the friendships I cherished, the people that came and went; I decided to let it happen. Everything that ever happened in my life, both the bad and the good, came with a root event, even the current version of myself. Everything that has become were only possible because of what was. The past was not a mistake, they were domino pieces that fell on the right spot, at the right time. Everything had a purpose, every time line, every mistake, everything that ever was. 

That day, it was beautiful outside. The sun was bright, the wind was cold, and the grass were dry. I decided to go outside with my brown journal, I let my cat out, and I watched him run circles around the trailer while I sat under a tree. I remembered that day as clear as if it happened yesterday, and I knew how everything unfolded like the back of my hands. I knew what I was about to do in a few hours, in a few days, in a few weeks, and I know exactly what will happen in a few years. If I stayed under the tree three minutes longer than I was meant to, perhaps, I would've missed that one specific message sent by that one specific person that changed the trajectory of my life. Or maybe, if I stayed three minutes more, I would've lost the interest or desire to even respond. Maybe, if I took a nap like I wanted to, I would've never met the friends I made that day. So on, and on.

What I am telling you, and perhaps, myself, is that everything happened for a reason, yes, I know, that statement is a bit cliche and exhausting to hear, but it is true. If, by chance, I spent more time doing a specific task that day, everything that came afterwards would have never happened, and the life I am living would have never even been possible, and this blog would have never been written. I knew, while I was dreaming, that the effects of my actions will build into a tidal wave, and it will change everything that I ever know now and who I have become. So, if getting up from that tree at that specific minute led me to meet my ex-boyfriend at that exact minute, which, then, led me to the worst heartbreak of my life, which, then, led me to everything that ever happened, I am glad that it did. 

At the moment of my worst heartbreaks, I cried on the floor and begged God that I wish none of it ever happened. Two years ago, I lost a girl I thought could become my best friend and it broke my heart to an extent that it took me some time to bounce back from. I swear, when I was in the middle of the chaos and betrayal, I wished from the deepest depth of my soul that I wished I never met this girl. Two years later, looking back, this girl pushed me to meet my now-husband, who gave me such a beautiful and happy life. If she never broke my heart, he would've never reached out. If he never reached out, we would've never found out what kind of relationship we could've had. When the people I've lost, broke my heart, I couldn't see anything past the heartache and the abandonment. But now, there is some sense of gratitude and acceptance that I achieved after some time. I am glad that all of it happened, I am glad that all of it led to who I am now. 

They call it the Butterfly Effect. The small changes combined all together will lead to a different outcome; a different life. Everything that I decided to do, everything that had happened to me, led me to this future. A future where I have a dog, a house in an unfamiliar city, and a husband I was arguing with that night because I was mean. Everything led me to a life where I was no longer alone, living in a trailer, with nobody but a cat and a brown journal... it led me to a happy, fulfilled life. 

So, if given the chance to go back knowing that any action, regardless of how small they may seem, could change the sequence and fate of my entire life, will I change something and inevitably change my future? or will I stand in the corner and let it all unfold, knowing that came with the path meant for me were years of heartache before I am able to see a good life? The answer is... I will stand and let it unfold. 

That night, my husband came back a few hours later, when my fever settled and his anger calmed down. I felt the warmth of his body slide slowly and carefully next to me, I snapped back into reality where I laid sweaty in the middle of an empty bed, with my skin burning from the high fever, and the bottle of aspirin he brought a few hours ago sat next to my bed. There were loud barks downstairs from my dog, scratching on the door from my anxious cat, and my husband wrapping his arms around my waist, so careful as to not wake me up. 

I am glad all the chaos led me here. 

I am glad I can finally see the purpose of it all. Why I broke my heart. Why I was so lonely for years. 

It all led here. The butterflies led me here.

Thank God I got up from that tree when I was meant to. 

All love, 

Indira. 

Words Are Portal: Magic Behind Manifestations

Dear readers, in this blog, I'll tell you this little magic that has been going on in my life. Once is a coincidence, twice is weird, but thrice IS on purpose. You have to trust me, I am not delusional. Lately, there's this magical force in my life, where whatever I say and believe, actually comes true~!

It all started at work. Lately, there has been delays after delays on my plans. I wrote about it in my online diary and in my blog, that I feel like I was in this stagnant energy where I could not see a way out. For a better word, I'll give you an example. If you have been keeping track of my blog posts, you'll have a small idea how my job works. In my job, there are levels to it. You have to be specially trained in every section before you are able to work in that area. I won't go into much detail about it, but keep in mind: get trained = work. Not trained = no work. I want to be able to move up to a higher position in this job; however, I won't be able to do that if I was not getting trained properly. So, one day before I headed to work, I took out my manifestation journal and I manifested that all blocks standing in my way would be removed, so that opportunities will flow easier and faster into my life. Surprise, surprise, when I got to work, I got the news that the work I had been doing was no longer permitted by management, so now, my team won't have any choice but to train me. 

Another example is this, I am a naturally introverted person. I am not quite good at talking to people or making small conversations, so lately, I've been telling myself at the back of my head that I am confident over and over again. In just a week, I've made more friends and connections than I have in my entire life. 

Honestly, I could not give you more examples because the amount of manifestations I have that came true is so shocking to me. Whenever I make self-deprecating jokes about myself, the same jokes became true. Whenever I say my affirmations, or I believe that good things will come to me, exactly that happens. So, there's only one conclusion to this: Words are portal, and they are what behind manifestations. 

I am not a religious person, though, I grew up Christian. In my early 20s, I ended up converting to Buddhism, which is something I don't personally believe is a religion, as of right now at least, this belief is new to me, and is something I'm still finding my footing on. But, in the Christian Bible, in Proverbs 18:21, it says "The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it, will eat its fruit." Meaning, whatever word we carry on our tongue will create consequences within ourselves and the people around us. Gautama Buddha also said "All that we are is the result of what we have thought." Meaning, whatever we think and speak of, will have consequences with them, either good or bad. So, if all these religious leaders spoke about our words and thoughts, therefore, there is some force within them. 

People love to speak about manifestation, yet sometimes, they do it without the proper techniques. In this blog, I will show you my ways of manifesting, and getting the things I wanted, I was so shocked that were even possible. 

First step: BE what exactly you're manifesting. In Rene Descartes's Discourse On Method he coined the term Cogito, Ergo Sum. The statement, cogito, ergo sum, is the only statement that survived his methodic doubt, a way of searching for certainty by systematically doubting everything. He said, that, even if an all-powerful demon were to try to deceive him into thinking that he exists when he does not, he would have to exist in order for the demon to deceive him. Therefore, whenever he thinks, he exists. Thus, the word sum or I am, was coined. In his work Principles of Philosophy, he added that cogito is the conclusion. Meaning, he is thinking, and whatever thinks must exist. Cargo, ergo sum. I could apply the same logic with my manifestations. Say, I am manifesting that I am confident and abundant. By thinking that I am confident and abundant; therefore, I am. If I am thinking that I am someone, then that version of me already exists. 

Second step: Be consistent. Merriam-Webster defines consistency as steadfast adherence to the same principles, a steady pattern of behavior. According to Health, Colin Camerer, PhD, study author and behavioral economist at The California Institute of Technology, stated that the belief that it only takes 21 days to build a new habit was not backed up by science. However, Ernesto Lira De La Rosa, PhD, said, “It can take up to one month to form a new habit, but this requires consistently engaging in the behavior throughout the entire time frame." So, the 21-day habit-building timeline may not be backed up by science, but it is possible with consistency. Merriam-Webster defines habit as an acquired mode of behavior that has become nearly or completely involuntary. Therefore, for you to build an involuntary habit of believing your manifestation exists, you must be consistent with thinking that they are. For example, I am trying my best to be more socially active and be more confident. If I have one bad social interaction, and I let that ruin my manifestations of confidence, I would, then, ruin my consistency. I must make believing and thinking of my manifestations consistently until thinking and believing their existence become an involuntary behavior. If one bad social interaction would cause me to go from "I am confident and open to friendships," to "I can't do this and I am embarrassing," not only will I break my consistency, I will also become who exactly I think I am. 

Third, and final step: Be grateful. I told you how to speak of yourself, then how to get your manifestations going, the next is to be grateful. Here's the thing: you can want more and be grateful for what you have simultaneously. It doesn't have to be one way or another. The American Psychological Association defines gratitude as a sense of happiness in response to a fortunate happenstance or a tangible gift. So, if something good happens to you, you will be grateful. For Buddhism, gratitude is indicative of the concept of dependent origination, which means that everything is interconnected. As everything is interconnected in a web of life that sustains you and I, being grateful to others, animals, and all of life is the key to a more positive and open life. Think about it this way, if I'm manifesting something I want in a form of focusing on what I don't have, I will, then, speak badly of my life and myself, putting myself all the way back to step one. However, if I continue on the positive aspects of my life, focusing on what I have, I will, then, speak positively about myself and my life. In return, opening my doors for more abundance to come in. 

Here's the thing: there is no one-size-fits-all in manifestations, but this is my way, and so far, things happened in my life and the things I wasn't so happy about turned themselves upside down in a matter of a couple of days. Some of these things were a little ambitious, to say the least, and I was so surprised when my manifestations still happened, or maybe, secretly, I wasn't so surprise. After all, I always knew I'll have it my way. 

Here's to all the things I have, and all the things I know I will get. 

Indira.

Dealing With Insecurity

One thing is for sure: when I am in front of certain people, I feel insecure. Or somewhat, I feel small. The past two weeks, I've been struggling with one thing, feeling insecure. Yesterday, as I come home from my 10-hour shift at work, I sat in my car with my lips trembling and my eyes shut closed, I could not stop myself from crying. No, calling that crying would not suffice; I was weeping. I've been struggling with fighting my footing at work and where I stand with my co-workers, and that was making me feel extremely insecure. 

A good example was the one time that I felt frustrated and expressed that with my co-worker. I typically wasn't the type of person that would raise my voice but this time, I got carried away. I raised my voice and expressed how disappointed I am that this situation has happened once again. I decided then to step away from the conversation and support the team quietly. I decided that, since I was frustrated, it would best that I regulate my nervous system, re-center myself, and remember how to express and show only gratitude, kindness, and love. Unfortunately, for me, that could not be the case. My coworker took it upon himself to discuss my frustrations and issues directly to my supervisor before I was able to speak up for myself. His decision to advocate for me had stripped away opportunities for me to advocate for myself. I felt small, and I felt that I was not trusted to hold those conversations on my own. 

Another good example was the multiple times where I felt like my opportunities were purposefully getting pushed and delayed, and that growth opportunities were getting handed easier and faster to other people than me. I could not tell you how strong of an emotion these circumstances had caused me. My company is currently ongoing a massive training for new hires (including me) and current employees. These trainings are crucial into unlocking, what I would call, levels and abilities one employee could do within the company. For example, if you are trained in Ability A, you will be able to work in section A. If you are not, that section will remain unavailable for you. As of right now, I have been working for this company for a month. Sadly for me, I have been stuck in, for a better word, section 0, a section where untrained, unskilled associates are. What causes my insecurity was the fact that I was hired for a management/leadership position, and I was getting excuses as to why my training was constantly not being prioritized. 

This situation played a vital role on my issue this week. In certain situations, I felt as if certain things were being taken away from me, like opportunities to learn, advocate, and express. In situations like this, I could tell you that the first solution I would do is to remove myself from the environment where my peace, happiness, and needs were not being taken seriously; however, this work is not just a job for me, but a path to a career I am actively pursuing. The decision to leave, I fear, is not an option for me. 

So, for the past week, including today as I am writing this blog entry, I am still dealing with the feelings of insecurity I got from work. This feeling has caused my nervous system to be wrecked, and caused me to feel anxious going to work, when I know, when I was starting this new chapter, I was really excited for all the opportunities I opened for myself and the people I will be able to meet. Of course, this feeling of insecurity and anxiety isn't just due to one person, it wasn't because of my supervisor, or my coworker, or anybody in particular. I think it was a combination of multiple aspects, and people, and situations that has caused me this amount of complex feelings, feelings that I am responsible for understanding. The only solution to understanding complex and unfamiliar feelings is to break it apart in section, dissecting its body, and understanding each part. 

The reason why I feel these feelings is because I have a good sense of what I know I deserve, and when faced with a situation or an environment where the standards of what I know I deserve is constantly not being met, it would, then, cause me to feel small, insecure, or intimidated. There are experiences in life where only I know happened, and one of those things was what it took for me to learn, earn, and get those standards of needs, what I would accept and what I would not accept. When situations like this arise, where I feel like my hard-earned standards are being violated, I lose respect for the present version of myself, for the version of myself that went through hell and back to get those standards. If I allow someone in my work team to push me, my opportunities, and my advocacy, I am, in fact, doing that to myself. If I let someone stomp all over what I know I deserve, I am, in return, stomping all over myself. What I allow other people do to me is merely me doing that to myself. 

So, then, if their actions and my consent of it all is a reflection of my treatment towards myself, in return, their actions will cause me to lose confidence and respect towards my present self, knowing that after everything I have been through, I still could not stand up for myself; therefore, that loss of confidence and self-esteem will cause me to feel anxious, scared, and insecure. It wasn't the fact that they treated me this or that way, it was the fact that I allowed it, and I allowed them. 

Then, you'd ask me, "What are your plans on addressing this issue?" The easy solution is if I tell you: I will stand up for myself from now on. That isn't really how it works in environments where social and power hierarchy exists. For example, at work, I have supervisors and people considered more skilled, more knowledgeable, and sometimes, more favorable than me. Retaliation, even though it is frowned upon, still exists and sometimes they exists in the cracks of normal work interaction. If I refuse to tolerate, I would be risking retaliation from my supervisors and co-workers. There is only a couple of steps I can take to ensure that my mental safety, boundaries, and peace are secured and that is to leave. 

Before I get to that part, I have to tell you why I decided that the only way for me to get through this feelings are, in fact, not through reflection or regulation, but through quitting. There are situations in life where you can grow within certain relationships, and you can better yourself and the relationship through mutual understanding and adjustment. For example, if you are dating a person and you and your partner could not see eye-to-eye on certain arguments, I could argue that this is something you can fix if both parties mutually agree on controlling and highlighting certain behaviors, like controlling your impulse and highlighting your patience, through enough work, practice, and understanding, eventually, you will both learn to grow together; however, in this case where my work team are not people I am emotionally involved with, arriving in a mutual agreement of understanding and patience is not an option. I cannot mutually agree with all parties involved that my boundaries and needs has to be met, because they have no responsibility over protecting my feelings. Yes, I feel insecure. Yes, I feel intimated and small; however, I can not make anyone stop contributing to the root of these feelings. I can only kindly ask them to consider, but the decision to do so, ultimately, falls on them. 

In relationships, when you are fully committed or so lost in love, it's especially difficult to spot these feelings when they come. It is the same thing with other kinds of relationships: family, work, friendships. We get so caught up in the good of it all that the mere idea of losing the good is enough to scare ourselves into staying. My lola always say, "one must pick their battles, and admit defeat when it is time to do so." I understand that I was excited with this job, and that there are opportunities that opened for me; however, I can't let the good distract myself from the problem on hand: I am stagnant and my opportunities are not evolving. So, what can I do? what can I control? Can I control something? Anything? If not, then I lost, and I must admit that to move forward to something better, something more. 

So yes, the solution is to leave. The feelings are internal, the root is internal; however, I cannot control the external factors (work team, people, job) to understand where I am coming from, but I can remove myself from the equation. 

I guess, long blog short, what I am telling you is that I validate myself and why I feel insecure this past week. I understand where it is all coming from and I understand whose responsibility it is to fix these problems, both internal and external. I also especially understand how the external aspect of my insecurity is not something I have control over. I cannot simply just make people stop acting in a way that triggers these emotions, I also cannot simply just sit there and tolerate it, so there is only one solution, and I have to face that solution head-on regardless of the fear and disappointment I have with what I am about to lose. Both parties must come to a mutual agreement, and sometimes, I would have to make the decision for the both of us. 

Anyway, this week have forced me to understand certain feelings I have towards certain situations and people. Past mistakes are just new information! 

These days I've got expectations,

Indira.

Manifestation Through Conceit

I am conceited, and I will get everything I want, and nothing will stop me from getting everything I want. Life is a straight line, stretching from life, death, and everything in the middle. If I want it, then it already exists in my timeline, and it's not "if" I get them, but rather, when. Because I will. I always do. 

I've been having a difficult time lately, and things are not going in my favor, and I think it's time I renew my verbal contract with the universe. The contract is this: if I believe it, therefore, it is. As long as I believe, then I speak of whatever it is, into existence. 

Lately, at work, regardless of how many attempts I make into taking the steps necessary to get where I want, it seems like I keep running to walls and the environment I am in is not aligning with who I am and what my goals are. Honestly, I've been struggling with this, this whole week, and I could not wait until my first off-day to put these thoughts out back to the universe. Maybe there's some fear growing in my soul that's blocking my abundance, and I am here to speak of this out to the universe and remove those blockages. 

I truly believe that whatever it is that I want, I will get. Whether this is confidence or I am conceited, it does not matter. I have enough proof that the universe will give whatever I want as long as I remain clear with my intentions and grateful with my abundance. In this post, I will manifest and speak my intentions, dreams, goals, and everything above, into existence.

I am blessed and everything I want already exists in the same timeline as my current and future self. When it comes to my goals, aspirations, and dreams, it is not a "if," but rather a "when." When I achieved my goals, I will remain grateful. When I become the best version of myself, I will use the abundance given to me to protect myself spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically. 

Nothing stand in my way of achieving everything I desire because I already have everything that I desire. That version of self, that promotion, that friendship, that achievement; I already have everything that I ever wanted, and their arrival in my life is inevitable and unmovable, unchangeable force. They are coming, and there is not a chance in this universe and the next that, once my abundance and time arrived, that I will miss them. They are mine, and when they come, so shall I, and we will meet at the right time. 

Despite the blockages people, situations, and circumstances beyond my control, might put between my dreams, goals, and aspirations, and I, it will not matter. What is mine is mine, and their arrival is predetermined. I will get all of what I desire because it is written, it is decided, and they are spoken into existence. Right now, these goals are on their way, running as fast as they could, to get to where I am. I will invite them in, and they will be exactly what I desired, nothing more, nothing less. 

I got everything I want. I will get everything I want. All that my heart desires are mine. They are coming to me, and when they arrive, I will be exactly where I needed to be to welcome them. I am blessed, I am abundant, I am grateful, I am loved, I am appreciated, and there is no space for hatred, jealousy, envy, or anger in my life, not from my heart, not from the hearts of the people around me. Other people's desires will not intertwine with mine, my abundance will stand on its own, and nothing will stop them. They say, "eyes on the prize," but my abundance's eyes are on me. 

My heart welcomes nothing but the good. My life welcomes nothing but the good. I deserve the good, and the good shall I get. 

I want it, I got it.

Spoiled and loved, 

Indira. 

Grateful for you!

Here's the thing, girls: I am pressured! 195 followers is insane! I honestly can't shut up about my blog to my family, friends, and loved ones, and your presence is a testimony that what I am building and creating is something worthwhile. The reason I am pressured is because with every post or update, somehow, I feel that it needs to be impressive as well. Here's my way of breaking that. I don't have to post an extremely long, thought-provoking blog post, maybe I could just make a simple one, a thank you letter. 

To my luvbug club, 

Thank you so much for taking the time in your busy day to come to my page, see what I've created, poke around, and then letting me know that you liked it. I know that some of you girls (and perhaps, guys) are working full-time jobs, are in school full-time, or just simply really busy, and I cannot even begin how grateful I am that you took a minute or two out of your busy schedule to be here. Thank you for 195 followers. When I was starting this page, I was scared that I wouldn't be able to get one person to follow me, and I would delete it out of embarrassment. Not only did I prove myself wrong, I also learned to confidently take risks in my life by putting myself out there. 

Again, thank you so much, and I wish nothing but happiness, peace, joy, and all of the beautiful things in the world for you and I. 

Love,

Luvbug. 

Manipulating Myself Into Being Happy

There are days where I convince myself I am happy, and it always works. Like, I am full-on delusional. I am convinced that I am so happy, even when things around me aren't going well. Had plans and it rained? I am happy that the trees are eating. Broke my favorite shoes? Finally have a reason for a new one! Bad day at work? I deserve a treat then! What can make me feel sad if I am fully convinced that, no matter what, I am happy? Life really is all rainbows and butterflies!! 

Lately, I've been having good days one after another, I am on a 30-day streak! It's such a huge jump to how I used to be, because honestly, back then, I was really depressed. Nowadays, I'm pretty sure sprinkles and glitter come out of my shoes every time I walk around. I am so happy, and everyday is the perfect day! 

When people say that "it's all a mindset thing," I still don't believe that only because I know how it feels to be so down, you can't think of anything else. But here's the thing, lately, I've been convincing myself that there's a silver-lining in everything. Even if it's something that completely ruined my day, somehow and someway, my mind will find a way to romanticize that and turn it into something positive and happy. I don't even know when I started doing this, but I just did, and it's going great for me lately! 

For example, I currently work 10-hour shifts in a facility for four days in a row. Lately, I've been extremely suffering from pain on my feet due to the metal steel-toe slip covers I was required to wear. The pain would start from the soles of my feet, and I could feel the nerves in my calves up to my thighs throbbing in pain. After my 10-hour shifts, I could barely walk! On top of that, there's not a lot of time I could spend seating in my job. I am constantly in my feet, and I am constantly walking. However, after eight days of excruciating feet pain, my mind managed to spin this whole dilemma into something positive. I mean, yes, my legs are hurting, but everyone is so friendly, sweet, and kind in our facility that I don't mind being in there! It's simply an opportunity for me to get to know everybody and make friends! And yes, sure, my feet is throbbing, but after a full eight hours of sleep, it always heals itself! 

I have developed the tendency to manipulate myself into happiness and joy. In everything that happens to me, even when it is something physically or emotionally painful or something that doesn't matter, I would always find a way to turn it into something positive. And it's doing wonderful things in my life! I honestly have never seen more beautiful days than now. Regardless if someone is mean, condescending, or frustrating to me, yes, I would have a hint of irritation, but ultimately, I move on to happier, more joyful things faster than I've ever been.

If it was the version of me a couple of years ago that doesn't have a lot of patience and happiness, that got her feet throbbing for 10 hours straight, she would've probably quit. However, since I developed this kind of mindset, I acknowledge that even though there are bad things that could potentially be happening around me, I would purposefully put my lenses on things that make me happier, and I intentionally decide to focus on that instead. 

Yes, there are things that could ruin my day, but it could only ruin it if I allow it, and lately, I don't feel like allowing it. I am happy, and regardless of what is going on outside of my body, in which, most of the time, I do not have control over, I will remain happy. It's an untouchable, unmovable force. Also, I do believe in the saying "I think, therefore, I am"

I think I am happy; therefore, I am happy. 

What a life. 

All the love, 

Indira. 

Romantic Things I Want to Experience

 

I was a romantic. Note: Was. At twenty-three years old, I had my fair share of breakups and disappointments. I used to believe on this fairytale-kind of love, the kind where the boy would do everything for me, to win my love. That's not the reality, though. Reality is harsh, love is cut-throat. Love is an industry where only the best and the adored wins. I know that sounds pessimistic and hopeless, but you'd have to understand, this is coming from a girl notoriously known for writing love poems and love letters. There are certain things I've accepted that wasn't real, or at least, wasn't real for me. That fairytale love is one of those things. 

Still, I can't help but to hope for the things I've never experienced. All my experiences were training material to harden the outer layer of my shell. For the past few years, I was just constantly suffering from the lack of reciprocation and consideration. I don't want to tap my own back and feel sorry for myself, I wasn't the perfect partner, I don't think there is such a thing; but what I would say is that I was a trying partner. I was faithful, I was patient, and I was stuck. I guess, for the longest time, I always believed that I had to prove my devotion through my tolerance of the heart breaks, then, and only then, if I prove it enough, I will eventually win their love, and they would love me back. Eventually. If I just go through the pain, and if I sacrifice more of my peace, then surely, they'll see how much I love them, and they'll love me back. 

Though I carry the tiniest hope for better romances, I, honestly, am so sick of love. It's the kind of disgust that makes me look at everybody with some sort of doubt and fear. It's the kind of disgust that makes me want to crawl on my bed, hide under my sheets, and pull my feet under the cover because the Love monster will pull them if I was not cautious enough. I developed some kind of avoidance from all of it, and ever since my most recent breakups, I navigate love in a transactional way. What do I get from this? Is what I'm getting enough? Am I giving too much? 

But, alas, a girl will always be a girl. Girls are hopeful, we are full of love even when, sometimes, it feels like the supply had already run dry. We yearn for things we can feel something from, and even though I developed a fear of love and heartbreaks, there are romantic things that I still hope I get to experience, even at least, just once.

Love Letters. 

I want to, at least once, get a love letter. In this day and age, communicating has never been easier. The "hmu" and booty call culture has been spreading like wildfire. But how romantic would it be for someone to write me a letter?

They would go to the store, spend fifteen minutes searching for the paper that screams my personality, they would look around the aisle and maybe they'd see a stack of paper with ribbons drawn on the edges, tainted the shade of pink I specifically like, and they would say, "Yes, yes, she would like this one."

They would go home, they would sit down, and they would crumple three pieces of paper, throwing them on the floor, just because the letter "I" didn't look pretty enough, because the first letter of my name matters. They all matter. How romantic, how considerate, for someone to be so in love with me that even the letters written on a 5-dollar piece of paper matters, that they would consider the creases every fold would put on the paper before they fold them, that they would slowly put the letter in an envelope so carefully, trying not to create a flaw, because in their heart they believed I deserved more than a creased-up piece of paper. 

I yearn for something more than a simple text or call. I yearn to matter, I want someone to know that I don't want a "wyd?" at three in the morning, I want someone to know I like ribbons on the edges of my papers, that I like pressed yellow Marigolds, put in the envelope with a letter so carefully written, I want for someone to know just exactly who I am, and what my desires are. I yearn to be known. 

To be put first. 

Honestly, nowadays, people are so caught-up with our own desires, perceptions, and self that even when we're in love, we constantly think of only ourselves and what benefits us. Unfortunately, I've fallen victim to this fear and mentality as well. Since my most recent break-up, it has been difficult for me to see past my own needs and fears, because in my past relationships, I've put the other person first so many times that I feel like I lost parts of myself that is willing to sacrifice.

But love is sacrifice. It is putting someone else above your own selfish needs and your past fears. It is looking past everything that had given them scars, and decide that I am worth all of it, and if they have to do it all over again knowing all paths would lead to me, they would. And here's the thing: it is not that I am unwilling to put someone first, I am. For the right one, I am. What I need is to be put first too. In the list of all their dreams, ambitions, people they love, things they cherish, I would, not only make the top five, but I would be included in their first reason why. 

I want to be factored in, in all their dreams, fears, and plans, I yearn to be in it. How romantic it is for someone to have the dream to finish school, and the next sentence would be "because I want to give her a good life." How romantic it is for someone to have the dream to buy a house, and they would ask what color I'd like the windows to be. How romantic it is for someone to fear commitment, but then, they'd laugh with their friends, and say, "but for her, I'd do it." How romantic it is to be considered and involved. 

I want to experience a love so strong that my lover would run after me because letting me go would be hell to earth, that in their millions of reasons why, I would be first on the list, that when they think of a prayer or a dream, my name would be their first thought. I am sick of waiting for someone alone, I am sick of running after someone, I am sick of putting someone first. I want to be, for once, the person someone is running after to. I want to be, for once, someone's first.

Commitment and Future

My grandmother always tell me that when someone knows, they know. At first, I didn't quite understand. As I get older, I started needing more in romantic relationships. I didn't just want to go on coffee dates or walk around the mall, the little movie dates aren't sufficient, I needed more. And that is the knowing my grandmother always told me about. I want someone to look at me and know. 

I need to admit, I am not perfect. I don't think anyone is. Yet, still, I want someone to look at the scrapbook of my imperfections and flaws, and then, in just a split second, decide that I am what they've been looking for, I want them to know. 

How romantic it is for someone to look at all my fears, my flaws, the things I have not unpacked, and the things I have not processed, and decide ultimately, that this is it. I am it. All the ghosts of the past and the wounds that took years to heal all led in this moment, with me. I want someone to see my mosaic heart, and in a split second, without a doubt, without a question that pops in their head for the need to double check, they'd know. 

In Lana Del Rey's Margaret, there was a lyric that especially stuck with me, "If you're asking yourself: how do you know? then that's your answer, the answer is no." 

I don't think I'm a romantic, still. I managed to dismantle the fairytale dreams of love I used to have at seventeen. There was some sort of acceptance that the romantic movies and books I consumed during my teenage years only happens once in a blue moon,  or maybe, never at all, and according to my track record, they surely aren't happening to me. Yet, maybe, it was the same books and the same movies that managed to put a line of hope in my chest, that even though it wasn't a year ago, or not even right now, maybe, it could be soon. A girl can only dream. 

Here's to the love we wish to have, 

Indira. 

Starve The Ego, Feed The Soul

The destruction of Ego, the birth of life. 

If I tell you that the only way to build compassion, love, and happiness is to destroy yourself, would you believe me?

Duh, not literally. We'll destroy who you think you are.

What is ego? In Buddhism, we refer to Ego as your perception of self, that holds on to your self-centeredness. It is what causes you to hang on to your opinions and desires, to put yourself above others, and to believe that your happiness matters more than others'. Self-centeredness is the block that stands between you and compassion, you and happiness, you and love. 

Self-grasping ignorance, however, is the concrete belief that we, as humans, possess the inherent and independent self. You must know the distinction between these two to identify them and ways to demolish both. Both self-centeredness and self-grasping ignorance are the root cause of suffering and pain.

Self-grasping ignorance further stems into two different main parts: 

1. Belief of the Intrinsic existence of life: Believing that we are living a separate lives, distinct from the rest of the world. This causes a belief and opinion of "I," "my," "me," and "mine." This causes attachment to what you perceive belongs to you; thus, creating suffering, 

2. Belief of the Intrinsic existence of phenomena: the belief that situations, things, people, and events exists independently, with their own separate nature. This belief fosters ignorance; thus, repeating the cycle of samsara, the cycle of birth, death, and rebirth due to karma. 

So, with all these knowledge we have about what our ego feeds off of and what blockages we have in our consciousness preventing us to see and live in the world with compassion and love, one must do what needed to be done next: destroying our ignorance and starving our ego. 

In verse 10 of the Three Principles of the Path by Je Tsongkhapa, he said: "Whoever sees that cause and effect can never fail in samsara or beyond and destroys all self-grasping ignorance, has entered the path that pleases the Buddhas." Destroying self-grasping ignorance is the path to awakening profound truths and wisdom.

There is a path we must live by, to destroy self-grasping ignorance. 

1. Shunyata, or the Realization of emptiness. Shunyata is the understanding that everything in the universe, including yourself, lack intrinsic nature. Shunyata translates to emptiness. That means everything, including one self, do not belong to anything independently. Events, people, and things arise dependently and they are interconnected with one another. That means, all phenomenas arise dependently on causes and conditions.

There is a person I call Indira. I am composed of all my memories, all my favorites, all my preferences, my pain, my happiness, everything that makes me, me. If you remove each and every one of them...then who am I? What makes me independently me? If I try to find the one independent, permanent essence that makes Indira, Indira, I cannot find one. If I look for something that only exists independently, with no cause, no root, no connection, there is nothing.

If I can't find one fixed essence of who Indira is, that means who I think I am, is not stressing over, or obsessing over, because who I think I am is not absolute or fixed. Who I am now is not permanent. I am constantly changing in connection to the conditions I create, and the conditions I encounter. Suppose, a person insulted my blog. I could say: "You insulted my creativity, you insulted me." Or, with shunyata in mind, I could say: "You said that because of certain conditions, I feel insulted because of certain conditions, and who I think I am arose because of certain conditions. None of this is permanent."  If I worry about this blog, I'd think, "how can I be a good blogger?" But what is a blogger? All of what composed this blog are here due to conditions I encountered and conditions I created. None of these is permanent. 

Shunyata is hard to master, it's like opening a book and starting in calculus. It's neither nihilism or denial of existence, it simply explains that nothing exists independently and they aren't fixed and permanent. Everything exists dependently and they arise through causes, conditions, relationships, and circumstances. Understanding shunyata is important because self-grasping ignorance lead to many disturbing emotions, like greed, jealousy, anger, and attachment. Once you have a solid belief of you, it is very easy to feel: "I need this" (attachment), "You insulted me" (anger), "I am better than them" (pride), "This is only mine, I have to protect it" (fear). 

1. Pratityasamutpada, or Dependent Arising. Understanding Dependent Arising is the understanding that all things exist in dependence with other factors. This includes self, which is composed with body, mind, and countless cause and conditions. Something exists because other things made its existence possible. Nothing exists on its own, independently.

For example, the person I call Indira, where does Indira come from? My body needs food, water, and shelter. My mind is composed of memories, culture, experiences, preferences, relationships, and so on. Indira only exists because of these conditions and these factors. Indira only exists because these factors made it possible for Indira to exist. Even as a blogger. I am only a blogger because of conditions that made
it possible for me to be a blogger. I created a blog, the blog exists, I learned how to read, write, and use the web, I was inspired by people's creativity, people invented computers, and readers and followers exists to give meaning to the word "blogger." But, suppose, we remove all of these things, and try to find the permanent, independent essence of the label "Blogger," we would not be able to find anything. 

So, shunyata asks, "can I find something that only exists independently from everything else?" and pratityasamutpada answers, "No, everything arise in dependence to one another." 

Dependent Arising: "I depend on others."

Shunyata: "That means, there is not an independent and fixed self"

Self-grasping ignorance insists on the idea of I. It says, "this is ME, this is who Indira is!" Dependent Arising, then, say, "Indira depend on countless things." And shunyata says, "that means "Indira" does not exist independently." That doesn't mean Indira doesn't exist, it just means Indira is existing dependently. Indira do not have a solid, fixed identity. It is all changing, all the time, based on conditions, causes, factors, and experiences. 

3. Bodhicitta, is aspiring to attain enlightenment for the benefit of all beings. It's wanting to transform yourself so you can help others on their path to enlightenment as well. Once we dismantle the belief that we exist as independent beings, we start understanding the interconnections we have with other people. Now, we only do not think about our happiness, we start thinking that other people's suffering matters too. Bodhicitta is asking you to widen your lenses and see the bigger picture.

Suppose, a 17-year old girl come across my blog and was inspired, she, then, asks me, "Indira, how can I do this too?" I could say, "No! This is mine! I worked hard on this!" or I can create a condition where Bodhicitta thrives and say, "She's just a girl that wants to be happy and learn how to express her creativity. Maybe her behavior arose from curiosity and inspiration." That doesn't mean I don't have any boundaries, and people can just come and take everything I've worked on, it only means I don't turn around and purposefully hurt people or turn it into hatred. It is the same thing as if people insulted me. A person can come and say, "This blog sucks!" I could turn this into hatred and anger, or I could widen my lenses and understand, "They are a person who also does not want to be insulted. Maybe this feelings arose from pain and fear." Bodhicitta is simply expanding our understanding of all people around us.

Bodhicitta also expands itself into the aspiration to help. It is going to the path of enlightenment, so that you can go back, and guide people through it too. Instead of saying, "I hope you stop being sad," with Bodhicitta, we would say, "I want to develop enough wisdom and compassion to help you free yourself from sadness." 

Dependent Arising: "I depend on others."

Shunyata: "That means, there is not an independent and fixed self"

Bodhicitta: "Then, I don't want to live this life to benefit only this little "me." I want to benefit others."

How beautiful is that.

4. Application of Ethical Discipline. I don't want you to just follow the rules because I told you so, you need to take what you've learn, apply it in your life by deliberately living in ways that reduce suffering and harm, and cultivate love.

Instead of always thinking "what benefits me, me, what I want," cultivate generosity, compassion, understanding, and love, by always keeping in mind, "my actions have consequences beyond myself."
Ethical Discipline is simply holding ourselves responsible for the way we act, keeping in mind that we are interconnected with everybody and everything around us. We depend on others, the way they depend on us; therefore, we need to live in ways that benefits others, where love, compassion, understanding, patience, and kindness thrives. 

Ethical Discipline also helps us purifies our mind. Suppose, someone says, "this blog suck!!" and I act on the anger I felt and respond with something equally harmful and insulting, I would spend a week being guilty, then, my mind will be agitated. But if I intentionally cultivate love, there would be less internal chaos to work through. I would feel less guilty, less angry, less defensive. 

Dependent Arising: "I depend on others."

Shunyata: "That means, there is not an independent and fixed self"

Bodhicitta: "Then, I don't want to live this life to benefit only this little "me." I want to benefit others."

Ethical Discipline: "Then my actions should reflect that. I should intentionally create causes and conditions to reduce suffering and increase compassion." 

To destroy your ego and rebirth a life of compassion and happiness, we must awaken the profound truth of Shunyata and Pratityasamutpada, Realization of Emptiness, and Dependent Arising, the understanding that our identity lack fixed and independent existence, and the understanding that because we lack independent existence, ultimately, we depend on others. Once we understand this, it will lead to Bodhicitta, the understanding that we must live a life that cultivates compassion and benefits other people. And with that, we have to live a life intentionally aligned to these. We need to create a cause and condition for ourselves and other people that reduces suffering and increase our compassion with one another. 

With all the love, 

Indira.

Ranking Taylor Swift's eras

 

I've been so in love with Taylor Swift since I was like 15, and nothing has changed since then. I honestly just think she has one of the best discography for girls. After listening to every song in her discography, this is my official Taylor Swift ranking:

12. The Life of a Showgirl 

On the bottom, TLOAS, you were good, I'm waiting for you to be great... I enjoyed this album despite all the criticism and the "I cannot defend her anymore" posts. I was a TLOAS defender, through and through. But the album felt rushed to me, it just sounds like certain songs belong to other albums, these songs sound like they were from the vault. Cancelled! sounds like a reputation song. Opalite sounds like a Lover song. So on and on. 

11. Debut

Never speak ill of Debut! That's my girl for real. Should've Said No did NOT come to play. She had a worn-out cowboy boots, a tangled curly hair, and a dream. There's better albums though, for sure. 

10. Speak Now

First of all, fuck you, John Mayer. But seriously, Speak Now has hits after hits after hits, Dear John is by-far one of the top 10 songs she wrote, that pen was on fire when she sat down and wrote that. But I don't have a choice but to put this at 10th place because I like the other albums better. 

9. Fearless

Fearless used to be on my top 5 until recently. I feel so sad that this album is almost at the bottom because I used to be a fearless girly. I love how this album shows the experiences of every teenage girl: heartbreaks, losing friendships, loving your family... it's such a beautiful album, I have no words. I truly do not hate any song in this album. this is literally my baby. But I just HAVE to stick it out, okay. The real heavy hitters are yet to come. 

8. Lover

I love Lover, like yes, you're happy... but are you? You delusional girl! I like the concept of lover because she's so in love and so clueless. If you truly listen to this album, especially songs like The Archer and Afterglow, you can literally tell there are problems in this relationship that she's sweeping under the rug because she's too scared to face them. It was a good album, I loved the songs. Daylight, Paper Rings, and Cornelia Street went triple platinum in my household. 

7. Reputation

Contrary to popular belief, reputation was, in fact, not her revenge era (we'll discuss what her true revenge era was) it was actually her lover era. The Lover album is begging for things to not change, Reputation IS the falling in love. This is when she's falling into the rabbit hole that is Joe (yuck!) Honestly, this album was shocking to me when it was first released. End Game with Future was definitely not the typical cookie-cutter Taylor Swift aesthetic, and I love it! I think in Reputation, she's starting to explore other options and she's spreading her wings. Good for her. 

6. Midnights 

When Midnights released. I didn't initially appreciated it, but I let it marinate in my spotify a little longer and I started appreciating it for what it was: adulthood. This album literally went through the stages of grief, denial (Lavender Haze, Maroon), anger (Vigilante Shit, Anti-Hero, Karma), bargaining (Mastermind, Question...?, Hits Different), depression (Labyrinth, You're On Your Own Kid, Bigger Than The Whole Sky, Dear Reader), then, acceptance (Sweet Nothings, Bejeweled.) Bigger Than The Whole Sky is so sad that when I finally understood it, I was sick to my stomach. "did some force take you because I didn't pray?," who the fuck writes like this nowadays?! Oh my god.. 

5. 1989

Now, let's get to business. Dare I say, 1989 is what TLOAS thought she was... but SHE WILL NEVER BE! 1989 is that girl, okay. She lives in the prime neighborhood in Manhattan, she wears cool clothes, she dates the hot guy in the band, she's friends with supermodels, she is HER. 1989 is the girl we all want to be. She's blonde, she's skinny, she's rich, and she's a little bit of a bitch! This album gave us the Blank Space, Shake It Off, Wildest Dreams, Out of The Woods, I can name all the songs because not one was bad! 

4. Evermore

And here comes 'tis the season to remind us she's depressed. Honestly, I love Evermore, sometimes there were days I think it is better than Folklore (woah, woah, who said that!!!) but honestly, evermore is the matured, "I'll suffer in silence because none of y'all will understand me" version of Folklore. Unlike her twin sister who wants to let everybody know she wants to die, Evermore just locks herself in her room and cry in silence, and I honestly think that shows grief that's trying to progress. Songs like Its Time To Go and Happiness show that Evermore is trying to move on. It hurts, but she can do get it over with. 

3. Folklore

People say Folklore is her magnum opus. Dare I say, Joe bored her to death, she started creating scenarios in her head, it definitely wasn't her greatest work, but it was great. I cannot deny the excellence that is Folklore. Taylor Swift was able to show off how good her songwriting was with My Tears Ricochet, Peace, and The Lakes. I think, in this album, she was starting to process the emotions she couldn't detect back in Lover, that kind of grief that comes in realizing that something weren't meant to be for you. Especially in Peace. Peace was so gut-wrenching because it was literally her begging. Folklore was beautiful. "your integrity makes me seem small, you paint dreamscapes on the wall, I talk shit with my friends. it's like i'm wasting your honor," Honestly, what the hell. 

2. Red

Everybody in the back, right now! Where do I begin with Red? I could argue, this is the real magnum opus, but I know that isn't right, but oh my god, Red was a whole different level. All Too Well, State of Grace, Holy Ground, banger after banger. The pen was definitely working overtime during Red era. I am honestly so speechless with this album. My favorite songs were Sad Beautiful Tragic, Everything Has Changed, and All Too Well. "All I know is we said hello, so, dust off your highest hopes," wow. The songwriting was impeccable. I have no words. Compliments to the chef please! 

1. The Tortured Poets Department

On top of the pyramid, going three for three, once again, is TTPD. You knew she was coming at first, I knew she was coming at first. TTPD is the real magnum opus. The anger and grief mixed in every single track was so beautifully written. Honestly, I was going through a breakup with my own Matty Healy during the time, so this went DIAMOND, triple platinum, #1 on all charts, in my household. Where do I even begin? My god, what can we even say about TTPD? loml, the smallest man who ever lived, The Black Dog, COSOSOM, The Prophecy, and Peter took the top six spots of my top 10 saddest songs I've ever heard. I was SO sick for her. I was absolutely wrecked, disgusted, and heartbroken. Fuck Matty Healy, fuck Joe Alwyn, and you know what, fuck me too, I can't even blame her. 

I love Taylor Swift, and I speak for everyone when I say we ALL love her. You have no choice. You love her now too.

Love, 

Indira