Dealing With Insecurity

One thing is for sure: when I am in front of certain people, I feel insecure. Or somewhat, I feel small. The past two weeks, I've been struggling with one thing, feeling insecure. Yesterday, as I come home from my 10-hour shift at work, I sat in my car with my lips trembling and my eyes shut closed, I could not stop myself from crying. No, calling that crying would not suffice; I was weeping. I've been struggling with fighting my footing at work and where I stand with my co-workers, and that was making me feel extremely insecure. 

A good example was the one time that I felt frustrated and expressed that with my co-worker. I typically wasn't the type of person that would raise my voice but this time, I got carried away. I raised my voice and expressed how disappointed I am that this situation has happened once again. I decided then to step away from the conversation and support the team quietly. I decided that, since I was frustrated, it would best that I regulate my nervous system, re-center myself, and remember how to express and show only gratitude, kindness, and love. Unfortunately, for me, that could not be the case. My coworker took it upon himself to discuss my frustrations and issues directly to my supervisor before I was able to speak up for myself. His decision to advocate for me had stripped away opportunities for me to advocate for myself. I felt small, and I felt that I was not trusted to hold those conversations on my own. 

Another good example was the multiple times where I felt like my opportunities were purposefully getting pushed and delayed, and that growth opportunities were getting handed easier and faster to other people than me. I could not tell you how strong of an emotion these circumstances had caused me. My company is currently ongoing a massive training for new hires (including me) and current employees. These trainings are crucial into unlocking, what I would call, levels and abilities one employee could do within the company. For example, if you are trained in Ability A, you will be able to work in section A. If you are not, that section will remain unavailable for you. As of right now, I have been working for this company for a month. Sadly for me, I have been stuck in, for a better word, section 0, a section where untrained, unskilled associates are. What causes my insecurity was the fact that I was hired for a management/leadership position, and I was getting excuses as to why my training was constantly not being prioritized. 

This situation played a vital role on my issue this week. In certain situations, I felt as if certain things were being taken away from me, like opportunities to learn, advocate, and express. In situations like this, I could tell you that the first solution I would do is to remove myself from the environment where my peace, happiness, and needs were not being taken seriously; however, this work is not just a job for me, but a path to a career I am actively pursuing. The decision to leave, I fear, is not an option for me. 

So, for the past week, including today as I am writing this blog entry, I am still dealing with the feelings of insecurity I got from work. This feeling has caused my nervous system to be wrecked, and caused me to feel anxious going to work, when I know, when I was starting this new chapter, I was really excited for all the opportunities I opened for myself and the people I will be able to meet. Of course, this feeling of insecurity and anxiety isn't just due to one person, it wasn't because of my supervisor, or my coworker, or anybody in particular. I think it was a combination of multiple aspects, and people, and situations that has caused me this amount of complex feelings, feelings that I am responsible for understanding. The only solution to understanding complex and unfamiliar feelings is to break it apart in section, dissecting its body, and understanding each part. 

The reason why I feel these feelings is because I have a good sense of what I know I deserve, and when faced with a situation or an environment where the standards of what I know I deserve is constantly not being met, it would, then, cause me to feel small, insecure, or intimidated. There are experiences in life where only I know happened, and one of those things was what it took for me to learn, earn, and get those standards of needs, what I would accept and what I would not accept. When situations like this arise, where I feel like my hard-earned standards are being violated, I lose respect for the present version of myself, for the version of myself that went through hell and back to get those standards. If I allow someone in my work team to push me, my opportunities, and my advocacy, I am, in fact, doing that to myself. If I let someone stomp all over what I know I deserve, I am, in return, stomping all over myself. What I allow other people do to me is merely me doing that to myself. 

So, then, if their actions and my consent of it all is a reflection of my treatment towards myself, in return, their actions will cause me to lose confidence and respect towards my present self, knowing that after everything I have been through, I still could not stand up for myself; therefore, that loss of confidence and self-esteem will cause me to feel anxious, scared, and insecure. It wasn't the fact that they treated me this or that way, it was the fact that I allowed it, and I allowed them. 

Then, you'd ask me, "What are your plans on addressing this issue?" The easy solution is if I tell you: I will stand up for myself from now on. That isn't really how it works in environments where social and power hierarchy exists. For example, at work, I have supervisors and people considered more skilled, more knowledgeable, and sometimes, more favorable than me. Retaliation, even though it is frowned upon, still exists and sometimes they exists in the cracks of normal work interaction. If I refuse to tolerate, I would be risking retaliation from my supervisors and co-workers. There is only a couple of steps I can take to ensure that my mental safety, boundaries, and peace are secured and that is to leave. 

Before I get to that part, I have to tell you why I decided that the only way for me to get through this feelings are, in fact, not through reflection or regulation, but through quitting. There are situations in life where you can grow within certain relationships, and you can better yourself and the relationship through mutual understanding and adjustment. For example, if you are dating a person and you and your partner could not see eye-to-eye on certain arguments, I could argue that this is something you can fix if both parties mutually agree on controlling and highlighting certain behaviors, like controlling your impulse and highlighting your patience, through enough work, practice, and understanding, eventually, you will both learn to grow together; however, in this case where my work team are not people I am emotionally involved with, arriving in a mutual agreement of understanding and patience is not an option. I cannot mutually agree with all parties involved that my boundaries and needs has to be met, because they have no responsibility over protecting my feelings. Yes, I feel insecure. Yes, I feel intimated and small; however, I can not make anyone stop contributing to the root of these feelings. I can only kindly ask them to consider, but the decision to do so, ultimately, falls on them. 

In relationships, when you are fully committed or so lost in love, it's especially difficult to spot these feelings when they come. It is the same thing with other kinds of relationships: family, work, friendships. We get so caught up in the good of it all that the mere idea of losing the good is enough to scare ourselves into staying. My lola always say, "one must pick their battles, and admit defeat when it is time to do so." I understand that I was excited with this job, and that there are opportunities that opened for me; however, I can't let the good distract myself from the problem on hand: I am stagnant and my opportunities are not evolving. So, what can I do? what can I control? Can I control something? Anything? If not, then I lost, and I must admit that to move forward to something better, something more. 

So yes, the solution is to leave. The feelings are internal, the root is internal; however, I cannot control the external factors (work team, people, job) to understand where I am coming from, but I can remove myself from the equation. 

I guess, long blog short, what I am telling you is that I validate myself and why I feel insecure this past week. I understand where it is all coming from and I understand whose responsibility it is to fix these problems, both internal and external. I also especially understand how the external aspect of my insecurity is not something I have control over. I cannot simply just make people stop acting in a way that triggers these emotions, I also cannot simply just sit there and tolerate it, so there is only one solution, and I have to face that solution head-on regardless of the fear and disappointment I have with what I am about to lose. Both parties must come to a mutual agreement, and sometimes, I would have to make the decision for the both of us. 

Anyway, this week have forced me to understand certain feelings I have towards certain situations and people. Past mistakes are just new information! 

These days I've got expectations,

Indira.