knowing when and how to let go

 

It took years of heart break just for me to learn how to let go 

There were relationships, friendships, and situations in my life where I forced to stay even when my guts are telling me to let go. Throughout my teenage years and transition to young adulthood, there were moments where it felt like my relationships and friendships with other people were the most important thing in my life. For example, I maintained friendships with people even when I know they didn't have my best interest, only because I wasn't ready to let go of that connections in my life. 

It was hard for me to recognize when certain relationships and friendships are coming to an end, and most of the time, I would overstay my welcome to their lives because I was afraid of not being able to find new friendships and relationships, it was a sort of, desperation. I hanged on to people that I was meant to let go three seasons ago, only because I was afraid that if I wasn't with them, who would I be with?

When I was 19, I was in a relationship with this guy who was two years older than me. Long story short, it was toxic. I got constantly cheated on, I was disrespected and lied to, yet I stayed. I keep telling myself that eventually, if I stay long enough, he would change and our relationship would get better. 

Spoiler alert: it didn't. 

You know why it didn't? Because that's not how it works. Eventually I learned a very valuable lesson, that once the time is up, it is up, and it's not up to me to decide. It's kind of like, your alarm went off at 6:50 AM, and you were supposed to be in school by 7:00 AM. Staying in bed is not an option, and the decision is no longer up to you, there is only one thing you can do, and that is to leave. 

There were times in my life where I hear the alarm blasting on my ears, but I forced myself to stretch the time, I tried to find ways to stay, and at the end of it all, there was a price to pay for that, and I paid all of it alone. I guess, if I tell you "have the courage to leave" it would be easier to say than it is to do, huh? Because as people, when we love someone, we put up a fight, even when it comes to leaving.

Leaving people we love and relationships we value isn't one of those things you can learn easily by reading about, even with this blog, it is one of those things you would have to learn through experiences, it is one of those things you would have to learn through paying the price it will cost if you constantly stay in places and relationships you aren't supposed to be in. 

When I stayed with this man knowing well that I was supposed to leave a long time ago, it felt like my reality was stretching and there was a rope tied on my feet, pulling me away, but I was digging my nails to the ground trying to stay. Eventually, when I had no way to stay anymore, I faced the price I had to pay for staying, and it was myself and my future. That relationship cost me three years. Three years of being suspicious of every person I meet, three years of going to therapy, and three years of trying to forget...

Every decision, including staying in certain relationships, open a portal of thousands of realities in your life. They are doors that will lead you to a different reality and a different you. For example, if I didn't write this blog, you wouldn't be able to read it. If you didn't read it, you wouldn't have known my experiences. It is the same for every aspect of your life, including your relationships. Because I stayed longer in that relationship than what I was supposed to, I ended up missing out on possibilities of better relationships. Because I stayed in that relationship, I ended up having to go to therapy to process the sadness I experienced. 

I can't tell you exactly how to leave and when to leave, you have to learn discernment, and you have to learn how to do it. But what I would tell you is this: when you start feeling that maybe you should let go, that is your future self pointing you to the right door. A reality out there exists where you already lived through this, where you already know how it goes, and that version of you will poke you time to time, pointing which doors to walk to. You need to wake up at the sound of the alarm, you have to stretch your legs and your arms, and have it in you to turn the door knob. If not, the price to pay is yourself. 

This is my favorite poem,

"The time will come, 

when, with elation, 

you will greet yourself arriving at your own door, 

in your own mirror, 

and each will smile at other's welcome. 

And say, sit here. Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was your self.

Give wine, give bread, give back your heart.

To itself, to the stranger who has loved you

All your life, whom you ignored

for another, who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, 

the photographs, the desperate notes, 

peel your own image from the mirror. 
Sit. Feast on your life." 

- Derek Walcott, 1948 - 2013.

Have the courage, always, 
Indira ♡