I am certain that I died before. There was a point in my life where my heart stopped, and my soul left my body, and I was dead. Maybe it was a distant memory, a situation I can not remember anymore, but I am sure it happened at some point. I was reflecting about the things I experienced in my life, and some of these things I was fully convinced I would not get through, but now, became stories I write about in my blog on a Sunday afternoon. When I was thinking of these things, I was also analyzing my life; everything that I have, everything that I lost, and realizing how one small detail could have changed the whole course of my life.
A couple of days ago, I was running a high fever. I was dizzy and completely out of my mind. I called my boyfriend upstairs to bring me a glass of water and my Aspirin bottle from the kitchen. When he came by, I tried calling his name three times, and I was frustrated at the sight of him ignoring me while he stood in front of me, in the middle of my dark room with his phone on his face, so I yelled, "Hey!" as loud as my sickened lung could. He answered me with a surprised, "what?!" and I was mad, immediately. I threw my phone at him, and he slammed the door behind him. I called for my mother, who was visiting us for the weekend, and she blamed my actions as the reasons why I was sick, "Maybe the way you've been treating him is the reason you're sick, it's your fault." I could feel the blood rush to a vein in my head. Long story short, I was furious, and I kicked both of them out of my house.
As I sat there alone in a dark room, I started thinking of all the decisions that led up to this point: a boyfriend living with me, a dog, a two-bedroom Townhouse in the middle of an unfamiliar city... all these things had a root event on them, a time and place where I decided that moving forward with a certain decision (that would inevitably lead here) was the right move for me. That night, I was in and out of my dreams, all I could think about is: if I change, just the smallest minor detail in my life five years ago, would everything still lead here?
That night, as I fall asleep yet again for the third time, I dreamt of something peculiar: I was transported back to the same time and place I was in five years ago. I was young and alone, living with my 2-year old Siamese cat in a beaten-up travel trailer in the country side of Texas. The sun seeps through the sheer curtain hanged on the dirty windows of my travel trailer, the dusts danced by the sunlight in the middle of my room, I had just woke up from the twin-sized bed I bought from Facebook marketplace, and it was eight in the morning, and I was five years younger. I wasn't less wise than I was two minutes ago, as a matter of fact, I knew that I was dreaming. There was a sense of knowing that I left behind a life outside of my dreams. Then, I had to think of all my choices and my steps, I knew that if even one thing was changed in the sequences of my life, the future will too. I knew that f I stayed sitting on my twin-size bed one second too long, the consequence of that one second will build like a tidal wave, crashing down on the version of me five years later. I had to decide: is the future life I have worth keeping? If not, and I choose to change the fate of my life, what aspect will I change? What if the consequences of the changes I'd make are way too grave?
Then, comes the understanding. It was some sense of fear, that yes, at this very moment, I had the opportunity to change the entire fate of my life. I knew how this day, and the rest of my life moving forward, up to five years in time, would play. I knew that, in about an hour, I will take my cat outside with the brown journal I bought from Walmart, I will sit under the tree, by the shade, and I will journal. I know that, that day, I will meet people I will become friends with. I know that those people will lead me to date a boy, who, then, I'd date for two years. I know that that relationship will lead into so many things, which then, will lead me to the life I live now. I know that it is about to come. Will I stand in the way? Will I stop the sequence from happening to save myself from years of pain and heartache? or will I let everything unfold how they were meant to?
In that moment, I can tell you that I definitely weighed my options, the pros and cons, what is worth it and what isn't, and I came to the conclusion to let everything unfold the way they were meant to. I decided to let it happen, all of it. All the heartbreaks, the breakups, betrayals, the friendships I lost, the friendships I cherished, the people that came and went; I decided to let it happen. Everything that ever happened in my life, both the bad and the good, came with a root event, even the current version of myself. Everything that has become were only possible because of what was. The past was not a mistake, they were domino pieces that fell on the right spot, at the right time. Everything had a purpose, every time line, every mistake, everything that ever was.
That day, it was beautiful outside. The sun was bright, the wind was cold, and the grass were dry. I decided to go outside with my brown journal, I let my cat out, and I watched him run circles around the trailer while I sat under a tree. I remembered that day as clear as if it happened yesterday, and I knew how everything unfolded like the back of my hands. I knew what I was about to do in a few hours, in a few days, in a few weeks, and I know exactly what will happen in a few years. If I stayed under the tree three minutes longer than I was meant to, perhaps, I would've missed that one specific message sent by that one specific person that changed the trajectory of my life. Or maybe, if I stayed three minutes more, I would've lost the interest or desire to even respond. Maybe, if I took a nap like I wanted to, I would've never met the friends I made that day. So on, and on.
What I am telling you, and perhaps, myself, is that everything happened for a reason, yes, I know, that statement is a bit cliche and exhausting to hear, but it is true. If, by chance, I spent more time doing a specific task that day, everything that came afterwards would have never happened, and the life I am living would have never even been possible, and this blog would have never been written. I knew, while I was dreaming, that the effects of my actions will build into a tidal wave, and it will change everything that I ever know now and who I have become. So, if getting up from that tree at that specific minute led me to meet my ex-boyfriend at that exact minute, which, then, led me to the worst heartbreak of my life, which, then, led me to everything that ever happened, I am glad that it did.
At the moment of my worst heartbreaks, I cried on the floor and begged God that I wish none of it ever happened. Two years ago, I lost a girl I thought could become my best friend and it broke my heart to an extent that it took me some time to bounce back from. I swear, when I was in the middle of the chaos and betrayal, I wished from the deepest depth of my soul that I wished I never met this girl. Two years later, looking back, this girl pushed me to meet my now-husband, who gave me such a beautiful and happy life. If she never broke my heart, he would've never reached out. If he never reached out, we would've never found out what kind of relationship we could've had. When the people I've lost, broke my heart, I couldn't see anything past the heartache and the abandonment. But now, there is some sense of gratitude and acceptance that I achieved after some time. I am glad that all of it happened, I am glad that all of it led to who I am now.
So, if given the chance to go back knowing that any action, regardless of how small they may seem, could change the sequence and fate of my entire life, will I change something and inevitably change my future? or will I stand in the corner and let it all unfold, knowing that came with the path meant for me were years of heartache before I am able to see a good life? The answer is... I will stand and let it unfold.
That night, my husband came back a few hours later, when my fever settled and his anger calmed down. I felt the warmth of his body slide slowly and carefully next to me, I snapped back into reality where I laid sweaty in the middle of an empty bed, with my skin burning from the high fever, and the bottle of aspirin he brought a few hours ago sat next to my bed. There were loud barks downstairs from my dog, scratching on the door from my anxious cat, and my husband wrapping his arms around my waist, so careful as to not wake me up.
I am glad all the chaos led me here.
I am glad I can finally see the purpose of it all. Why I broke my heart. Why I was so lonely for years.
It all led here. The butterflies led me here.
Thank God I got up from that tree when I was meant to.
All love,
Indira.
That was absolutely beautifully well said.
ReplyDelete